I found the site where i posted all my poems last night... i went looking for my favorite..
it was written about/for an ex. and not surprisingly made me think of him today.
he was this sort of dark metal god lol. one of the most amazingly gorgeous human beings i've ever met. his eyes literally made me melt, and his voice was so incredibly sexy. he was tall and gothic, geeky but with incredible arms. we could just spend hours talking, about everything, he understood my love of old movies and actually watched them with me (lol), and he loved me. he offered to take me away from all the shit that was going on, we were going to go to scotland. he was going to just quit his job one day, pick me up and we'd run away. i know it sounds like a total bs fairytale... but it wasn't. that's just the kind of guy he was and he meant it.
and for a moment today, while everything continued to go to shit i thought about what things would have been like if i hadn't ended it.
and while stuck in that moment of shere fantasy, i remembered that i wasn't happy then. looking through my other poems i never realized how unhappy i was, how scared i was. remembering how close i was to ending my life. at one point it's all i thought about, and it's forever immortalized in my writing. i scared myself while reading them.
So i had a near perfect guy, and i still wasn't feeling safe. i couldn't shake the past, the memories of that which haunted me. and no matter how perfect he was for me, i just couldn't love him. i think i found it all unsettling, maybe undeserved. whatever it was... just the feeling that it wasn't enough, he couldn't really protect me. it wasn't right.
then max came along, and things got better. i've been able to put a lot of the past behind me. no longer plagued by nightmares. i don't think about killing myself anymore and i'm actually happy and in love.
even my sickness has backed off. he has become the literal everything.
I never before thought that i would get married ever, honestly i had this vision of myself as being locked away in a mental institution.. straight-jacket and padded room.
and max isn't perfect, he has difficulty listening and paying attention, can be incredibly inconsiderate, doesn't think things through, forgets everything i tell him, puts others first before me. but he's everything i want and need, i love him.
and it's that thought that kept me from going psycho on the idiots who still haven't installed my screen door and decided that they would (without asking) hook up their power tools to the outlets in my living room, not only making me pay for the power they used all day but also leaving my front door open. and they didn't even work on my door at all. bastards. it shouldn't take 3 days to install 6 screen doors (especially when you have 4 guys working on it).
which reminds me, happy halloween everyone.
it was written about/for an ex. and not surprisingly made me think of him today.
he was this sort of dark metal god lol. one of the most amazingly gorgeous human beings i've ever met. his eyes literally made me melt, and his voice was so incredibly sexy. he was tall and gothic, geeky but with incredible arms. we could just spend hours talking, about everything, he understood my love of old movies and actually watched them with me (lol), and he loved me. he offered to take me away from all the shit that was going on, we were going to go to scotland. he was going to just quit his job one day, pick me up and we'd run away. i know it sounds like a total bs fairytale... but it wasn't. that's just the kind of guy he was and he meant it.
and for a moment today, while everything continued to go to shit i thought about what things would have been like if i hadn't ended it.
and while stuck in that moment of shere fantasy, i remembered that i wasn't happy then. looking through my other poems i never realized how unhappy i was, how scared i was. remembering how close i was to ending my life. at one point it's all i thought about, and it's forever immortalized in my writing. i scared myself while reading them.
So i had a near perfect guy, and i still wasn't feeling safe. i couldn't shake the past, the memories of that which haunted me. and no matter how perfect he was for me, i just couldn't love him. i think i found it all unsettling, maybe undeserved. whatever it was... just the feeling that it wasn't enough, he couldn't really protect me. it wasn't right.
then max came along, and things got better. i've been able to put a lot of the past behind me. no longer plagued by nightmares. i don't think about killing myself anymore and i'm actually happy and in love.
even my sickness has backed off. he has become the literal everything. I never before thought that i would get married ever, honestly i had this vision of myself as being locked away in a mental institution.. straight-jacket and padded room.
and max isn't perfect, he has difficulty listening and paying attention, can be incredibly inconsiderate, doesn't think things through, forgets everything i tell him, puts others first before me. but he's everything i want and need, i love him.
and it's that thought that kept me from going psycho on the idiots who still haven't installed my screen door and decided that they would (without asking) hook up their power tools to the outlets in my living room, not only making me pay for the power they used all day but also leaving my front door open. and they didn't even work on my door at all. bastards. it shouldn't take 3 days to install 6 screen doors (especially when you have 4 guys working on it).
which reminds me, happy halloween everyone.