tarnish

I can't deal with these dreams lately. They are really taking a toll on my body at night. i wake up and I don't feel very rested, I'm usually still wiping tears from my eyes, and I don't want to be awake, but I really don't want to go back to sleep. It seems like my mind is taking all my biggest fears and rolling them into one horrible dream.

Last night my dream was that I was standing on a bridge, watching derek walk hand and hand with someone else. Not as if he'd left me, but that we'd never been together, like he'd never known who I was. And I was so deeply sadened by this that I chased after him, calling his name, trying to tell him that in another life, or dream I had, we were married, and so much in love. And he just looked at me, and for a moment it was almost as though he recognised me, but then he scawfed and rolled his eyes, then turned and walked away. I looked down to see red paint dripping steadily from my chest, as though my heart were bleeding. Suddenly I was standing on the edge of the bridge facing him. He was looking at me and I just smiled and waved good-bye before jumping off.

I don't usually have dreams where I commit suicide, but I always have dreams that involve Derek being taken from me, or that I know who he is and I still love him as much as I ever did and he has no idea who I am. Many of my dreams recently have thrown the reaquaintance of old boyfriends into the mix. Which isn't very pleasant. My mind can't deal with this, my body can't deal with this. I need to see a shrink.