it had to be the 11th didn't it?
b and i went for lunch today. it was quiet and broody, at times fun, at times cute, generally lovely. we went to freo, which feels tastes smells and looks like home to me. that place just fills me with comfort.
and yet, i felt strangely detached from him. perhaps it's because he doesn't feel like he can publicly label us "together" so there's an unusual lack of affection. perhaps it's that i realised days ago it was over.
so lunch was lovely, he was lovely as he always is. he held my hand on the way home and i wriggled casually out of it. he got upset but i couldn't offer explanation. i dropped him home. he squeezed me tight. and i watched him walk away.
those shoulders...
i tried to leave it be, but i couldn't. the words were burning inside me, so i sent him a text message (i'm always better in text than speech) outlining why we couldn't continue this. he said he wishes he could be what i deserve. this makes me so angry. i love him so much for his entire being, faults and flaws inclusive! but i'm done arguing this. i just feel numb. i got all emotional and told him we'd be perfect if he just gave it a chance. he said he doesn't know what to say. i said that in itself is a worry.
he said "i do love you"
and with that, it was over. i sent one last message bidding him farewell and letting him know it was the most AMAZING time of my life. i let him know he has a place in my heart for eternity, that i'm proud of him, that i love him, and that i hope to be friends one day.
strangely i feel peaceful. numb, calm, i don't know. i just feel nothing. i want to cry but can't. i guess it was a long time coming and i've had a long time to come to terms with it. or perhaps, in true klo fashion, i haven't yet let the eerie calm of shock wear off enough to feel raw emotion. tomorrow will hurt.
having said all of this, tomorrow is a new day on which i will be making coffee at the mandurah boat show. i get to wake up before the birds and catch a train south for an hour. i get to do what i love, in peace on my own, and get paid for it.
monday i have a day off which i will spend with my mum, trying to cheer her up.
tuesday i begin housesitting the amazing love-filled house in cottesloe.
really, i'm plunged into other-doings with little time to think. this can only be a good thing. through enveloping myself only in beauty, i feel i'll escape the brutal blow of heartbreak. then i leave for broome which i know will be an enlightening experience. i'll come back having such a new appreciation of the education and lifestyle i've recieved, and a newfound passion for teaching indigenous children, and other children alike. i'll come back so awe inspired and full of beautiful thoughts i know i'll come back clean and fresh.
this, i am excited about!
i got all that out.
i feel less tight in my stomach
less pressure on my chest
my eyelids are slowing
it's time for sleep
i'll see you all tomorrow, in this new life i can't wait to grasp
b and i went for lunch today. it was quiet and broody, at times fun, at times cute, generally lovely. we went to freo, which feels tastes smells and looks like home to me. that place just fills me with comfort.
and yet, i felt strangely detached from him. perhaps it's because he doesn't feel like he can publicly label us "together" so there's an unusual lack of affection. perhaps it's that i realised days ago it was over.
so lunch was lovely, he was lovely as he always is. he held my hand on the way home and i wriggled casually out of it. he got upset but i couldn't offer explanation. i dropped him home. he squeezed me tight. and i watched him walk away.
those shoulders...
i tried to leave it be, but i couldn't. the words were burning inside me, so i sent him a text message (i'm always better in text than speech) outlining why we couldn't continue this. he said he wishes he could be what i deserve. this makes me so angry. i love him so much for his entire being, faults and flaws inclusive! but i'm done arguing this. i just feel numb. i got all emotional and told him we'd be perfect if he just gave it a chance. he said he doesn't know what to say. i said that in itself is a worry.
he said "i do love you"
and with that, it was over. i sent one last message bidding him farewell and letting him know it was the most AMAZING time of my life. i let him know he has a place in my heart for eternity, that i'm proud of him, that i love him, and that i hope to be friends one day.
strangely i feel peaceful. numb, calm, i don't know. i just feel nothing. i want to cry but can't. i guess it was a long time coming and i've had a long time to come to terms with it. or perhaps, in true klo fashion, i haven't yet let the eerie calm of shock wear off enough to feel raw emotion. tomorrow will hurt.
having said all of this, tomorrow is a new day on which i will be making coffee at the mandurah boat show. i get to wake up before the birds and catch a train south for an hour. i get to do what i love, in peace on my own, and get paid for it.
monday i have a day off which i will spend with my mum, trying to cheer her up.
tuesday i begin housesitting the amazing love-filled house in cottesloe.
really, i'm plunged into other-doings with little time to think. this can only be a good thing. through enveloping myself only in beauty, i feel i'll escape the brutal blow of heartbreak. then i leave for broome which i know will be an enlightening experience. i'll come back having such a new appreciation of the education and lifestyle i've recieved, and a newfound passion for teaching indigenous children, and other children alike. i'll come back so awe inspired and full of beautiful thoughts i know i'll come back clean and fresh.
this, i am excited about!
i got all that out.
i feel less tight in my stomach
less pressure on my chest
my eyelids are slowing
it's time for sleep
i'll see you all tomorrow, in this new life i can't wait to grasp
user071723140:
I'm sure the tears will come at some point...yay for the boat show, I want to take my girl to one so we can dream about which one we want to get someday.
crimsonpetals:
Its always going to be hard but when its expected it's always less crazy...There is still emotion, and the raw emotion will come, but you are less likely to get scared and make rash decisions..you have had plenty of time to think about it.It must feel so much better to have a little bit more closure, to have gotten all of that off your chest. Having other things to throw yourself into is awesome. Time to yourself, and time around others. On another note i now feel like coffee! 
*hugz*
*hugz*