tantrum_child

so there's this boy
he has my soul

there's this other boy
who has my hand

then there's me
stuck
torn
and in between

let's call them B and T

B takes my breath away. nothing like it. when we connect, it's stellar, we're taken to worlds away where the air tingles and silence is full. he knows my truth, he is my truth.

then there's T. pursued me for ages. my comfort. my coming-home-to. it's not mind blowing, it's not painful, it's contentedly happily steady.



i don't see much point in the stars when i'm forced to live down here on earth. and i don't know how well i'd go bringing up children, or teaching, out there in the universe... and as that's all i believe i'm on this planet to do, i don't know what practicality there would be in loving B, when T could give me the support and respectful love to nuture the things i need to be. he's amazing. hes just not stellar. but what good is stellar when u can't breathe??? like it or not, i'm kinda stuck down here on this big ole earth, and i need to make do with what i got... i've always believed in 2 types of lovers. there's ur passionate lovers, who are always fighting, but they experience the most mind blowing love there is because they're on a rollercoaster. they build each other up and bring each other down. they love so much that they can't keep up with it, and they resent the world they live in for taking time away from each other. they lock themselves up between 4 walls and forget how to live real life because all that matters is their union. then they try to live real life, and they fight because they can't get enough of each other, because it's impossible to breathe oxygen and each other at the same time.
then you've got ur best friend lovers. they don't really fight, they discuss, they respect, there's love, and it's wonderful. it's functional and practical and it works for the rest of ur life. it's the perfect environment for children to be brought up in. it involves mutual goals and mutual personalities. it's average, but holds greater longevity (and everything i do is with those future kids in mind). it's the kind u want to find when ur ready to settle down.

but how to settle for this practical love when you've tasted the stars? when you never got the chance to be sent reeling back to earth in order to hate the stars and never wish to return?
how to look at this person, with whom you could easily share your life, and wonder how it could have been?
how to look at someone and know they're perfect in every way, but to chase ur heart only to find it attached to another?
i wish i could keep away from B, i know he's no good for me, i know it could never work, as amazing as it could be.i know T is perfect for me,i know i could love him so so much, i know he is everything i ever wanted, i know he'll make me so so happy, i just need B to go away so i can forget him and the stars he took me to.



can i get past it?
can i... ugh i don't know...
time's a tickin
life's a kickin
i gotta get a move on

*thinks*
sorry, rant ended.