tantrum_child

**As an afterthought and a precursor all at once... I have to say i love suicidegirls for so many things, but most of all i love that i can come here and blog and know that people are listening, people read, people actually want to know how my day is, and people don't jugde. people here have respect. and these people are so far from the world i know that i need fear not for what i write. this is honesty. it's brutality. it's me in this moment. and it's me learning and changing. and i am so so thankful to have a place in which i can really open up my heart for 15 short minutes, or hours if i please, each day... **



He comes home laughing
Telling me all about
that girl
at work
and how she likes him
he tells me how she stole his hat
and put her lip balm on his lips
of how he accidentally elbowed her breast
and then laughed and joked
about how he'd copped a feel
he tells me how he didn't get a chance to mention
me

today the tune changes
he wishes i'd come in
and kissed him
so she could see
he told her about me

he also happened to mention
that i like girls
so does she
fancy that

the other night
he mentioned in passing that she was hot


and all of this would be okay
except...


except what?
except that i rarely feel a whimper of affection
unless i'm jumping across his vision i barely get recognized
the person who makes the least effort to make me feel good about myself
is the one who is meant to love me most for what i am
he said she was hot
he never tells me i'm hot
he flirts with her
i accused him of flirting
and he said sorry
he's never flirted before
he's never even showed the slightest interest in a girl before

i hate it
i know he loves me
i know he wants to be with me forever
and i know i don't have anything to worry about

so why does it still hurt so much?
why do i feel an ache inside
and why does it remind me
of the last one
who left me for another
and another
and another

and why can't i just laugh it off as the innocence i know it is?

i never realised how scared the other one made me
until things like now happen
and he's the only source to which i can attribute this fear of once again happenings



i do everything to be noticed by him
i spend all my time and energy
will it ever be enough?
and why is it so hard for him not to let me down??
the simplest things, he can't get right
for me
when i do everything
i live
for him



im angry
im upset
why have i fought off so many affections
from men other than him
if he cant do the same
i could have done with the ego boost
when he gave me nothing
and why does he need this attention from her
when i tell him every day how beautiful he is
and why am i moving in with this person
when i feel so let down
and alone


and tomorrow
i'll feel better
tomorrow
once again
it'll be forever
or at least a little while




going on like this
i know it wont last
but i can't let go of hope right now


it'll be the end of me