tantrum_child

- anticipation -


i never realised
that my decision
to get off
the drugs
would have such an impact
on my relationships
with people

who knew a healthy
and mature
and future building decision
would leave me feeling
so isolated?

i know they'll always be there
i know they love me
i know they don't want me to feel this way
i just don't think they see
i don't have much of a choice

my friends
want to go out
they want to get on
so if i dont
i have some choices
i can stay home
and miss out on seeing them
and gradually
i'll lose that special bond
we formed

or i can go out
and not get on
and feel left out
alone
like i'm missing out on the world
they all share
or to not get on
and still spend time with them
and to feel disgusted
because i love them
as people
but having that
as a lifestyle
it disgusts me now
occasionally yes
but not the way we were
i don't love my friends less for it
but i don't necessarily feel comfortable
to be around them

so it might seem
the only way
to keep this bond
strong and solid
with my friends
is to go out
and to get on with them
because there's no sign of them
getting off
any time soon
(i'm not judging their decisions)

i stopped wanting
to take drugs
a while ago
but it was the better alternative
than those mentioned above

now...
now i can't do it anymore
i don't want to be that person
i have hopes
and i have dreams
and i'm not going to find them
in a pill
(certainly not a crack pipe)
i'm not saying no to drugs
for ever and always
i'm saying no to the dirty junkie
that was lurking beneath
to the lifestyle
that was taking over
bound to ruin
all i had planned for myself

and now
i face losing those that mean
the most to me
(some of them, but important to me all the same)


so it's a decision i have to make i guess
i know that
stopping taking
will put me a distance
from my friends
simply because
i'm not involved
anymore
i can't laugh with them
i can't share the stories
and i can't share those memories

and there seems little else
i can build memories upon
certainly a substantial amount less
than those of an all hours gurn time posse

please know i don't judge my friends
their decision is theirs
and i don't expect anything from them
i just wish things were different
because it breaks my heart
to feel so left out
it breaks my heart
to know that i'll likely lose the bond
i've appreciated so long
it's not the drugs that made our love
it's the shared memories
and experiences

but priorities change
and so do experiences
and i guess
people's lives change
and they lose each other

i just wish it didn't have to hurt so much
knowing
that my decision to fix myself
means i might face losing
people i'm not sure how to live without.

xxx