tantrum_child

wash my hands of it

i'm not doing this anymore. it can't go on.
i open my eyes
or do i?
were they not open? i dont remember
i look around
there's my friends
people i care about
people i know
and some randoms
and they're surrounded by a dirty seedy environment

who are we all but the sum of our intake?

what need is there for competition of who can fuck themselves up the most?
it's not funny
it's not cool
you know who we are?
we're those people
those people you pity
those people that disgust you
those people you shake your head at and
swear to never be
that's us
we are the dirty junkies
we are the hopeless many
and it's all downhill from here

i'm not doing it anymore
i will no longer let this be my life
i've said it before
but it's not just about me
someone else is in it with me
and until you're both ready
you can't pull out
so i've stuck by
and stuck in
and ridden it out
awaiting the day he too will fall tired of these games
is it coming?
even if it's not, im out

i understand
once upon a time
i too had nothing more than the here and now to consider
but not anymore
now i'm better
and i have a future
and i'm intelligent
and i want to have my career
and my children
and stability in which to raise them

looking at myself as an outsider would i'm disgusted
and looking at you lot too disgusts me
if i didn't already know and love you
i don't know that i'd care to
it's a real wake up all when you say you're straight, and no one believes you.
a wake up call when you have a fucked up experience
and you keep going
THIS IS NOT LIFE
i want to feel real life
i want a real life
i want to be a real person
with real feelings
and REALLY make something of myself


this is not going to be my lifestyle anymore
no more excuses
it's not good enough
i've spent a year of my life on this shit, fucking around
wasting time
fucking up jobs
fucking up uni
relationships
and my mind and my body
it's over now
the end of an era
the binge is over

I'm not going to be a gurner anymore.

And you
you're either with me or you're not
it's the future or it's now
gurner, or partner
because i can't watch you fuck yourself up anymore
i sat by
and i let you have your time
and i let you naturally come to a point of hating urself for what u do
and i know you see why you need to stop
but i can't wait for you to make that decision
i can't watch you fuck up your life
which is now heavily intertwined with mine
you're better than this
i'm better than this
we're better than this
and there's no more excuses
the life ahead of us if we stop now
is far more fulfilling than anything we'll ever find pressed into a pill or crushed into powder.
but i guess that's the decision u gotta make

??

i know i've made mine...