tantrum_child

posting blogs i wrote before... all in the last week but havent had a chance to get them up yet
so here they are

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mutuality
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so for ages i kept looking for something that connects with me on most, if not all, levels. even though he's not the same as me, and thats the beauty of it, he wholy opens his arms to all that i am. he doesn't mistreat my attitudes or values in any way, even those he doesn't share. nor does he attempt to challenge them because i knows i challenge myself enough. he hits and he listens and he allows me to exist (a BLUE flame, a hurricane, wrapped up in a tiny body) this acceptance is such a refreshing change from those consistently trying to stimulate my self reflection by offering opposing viewpoints. i am accepted and appreciated for what i am and because of that, i have room to question myself for the defensive self presevation and arrogance is no longer necessary. somehow, by making me feel constantly like i'm good enough he makes me want to be better. maybe not a better person, but to reach my full potential.
i feel so understood. and i understand. without words, without reason, without intention, we compliment each other and fill the empty spaces. a silence is rich. every action filled with mutuality. never more. never less. just equal. right.
i don't know if it stems from a common ground of lost, and alone. if it comes from having experienced a similar hellish low.
between us such passion exists for the reality and honesty of life. and from this breeds respect. i would not dare to manipulate his values, nor would he mine. if nothing eventuates, i have found a friend with whom to stand tall and take on challenges that are thrown headfirst my direction. i have someone who i need not turn to, because he's already there, right there with me.
a rarity to find someone whom you can admire so much, respect so much and from whom u can gain so much inspiration and draw so much strength, and yet to never feel the need to look UP to them. just accross. just within.


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| chemical awakening |
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life feels so much better at the moment. along with my rediscovered ability to feel tired comes an ability to distinguish between dreams of sleep, of chemical, reality. and the truth. lines so less blurred. the black and the white and the grey, more clearly independent. my eyes are clear, my skin is soft.
what an escalation i fell upon. a drug problem. not an addiction. i didn't NEED them. i wasn't even building up a tolerance or dependency. perfectly capable of uttering "no" to an offer. the PROBLEM, the drug problem i had, was that i wasn't saying no. and i was enjoying it. and at a regular pace it's not long before you're living around the drugs. the rest of your life falls away and life begins to revolve around the drugs and the people you take them with. so much time is spent (and wasted) building up and coming down that life's true beauty is starved of appreciation. waking moments for days thereafter spent reminiscing about the funny moments, and the next time. you engage primarily with those who were with you because few others understand your comedown. for days afterwards, a hollow in your gut, a clogging of the pores. a head full of cotton wool. and the ulcers. you know i hate the ulcers. you isolate yourself for days, unable to face the real world in such condition. the sunshine hurts. when should the sunshine ever hurt and not be relished? when you do finally see loved ones, you're irritable. a serotonin imbalance playing games with you. inventing conflict where none is intended. i know this better than anyone. the drug may leave your system, but the imbalance takes a while to repair. 4 days to leave ur system, a week to rid your mind of the taunts of irritability and war. and then slam, another one dropped and you're at it again, another week spent drifting through this place they call life. false relationships are built with those who share your lifestyle. a chemical overload fooling you into chemical romance. perception becomes hazy, a life living drop by drop. pretty soon, without knowing, as the weeks go by, you're ingrained in a life revolving around and surrounded by drugs and ironically, very little substance.
driving away the closest friends with imagined conflict or just neglect, forming false and foolish relations with those close to the chemical trade.

it takes you. it makes you warm and comfortable. and the comedowns are funny.
and yet, it destroys you. it eats at you from within, starting with the part of you that exists solely to care about the ones you love. gently providing, spinning you round and round and round. an exhilarating ride like nothing previously experienced. until someone slaps you, and stunned, you pause, looking up to realise you've spun wildly out of control. you've found yourself disoriented and sick, in a place unfamiliar.

I'm out. and i fear for my friends gradually losing themselves to this world. it's not all bad, for the most part it's simply a phase that they'll pull through. but for others, knowing when to stop and acknowledge a slap, is slightly more difficult.
all i can say is thank god i had friends who aren't bitter that i ignored their warnings. i have my old friends who are still there and who, thought obviously slightly agitated, are not mad about the mistakes i made, but happy and grateful to see me turning life back around in my favour. not only are they supportive 100% but they offer assistance wherever necessary.

i was lucky. the life i'd left behind took me back. but only just. there are parts i've lost never to be found, there is damage i cannot undo. but i came stupidly close to losing it all, and then i'd never have found mySELF.

now im back. three meals a day. my head is clear. i can sleep. i can function. i have energy and motivation not artificial. and the most important part is i have zero temptation. i won't say i'll never do it again, sometime in a little while, i may decide to revisit for just a one night stand. but at the moment, and maybe for life, i have no want or need to. or to even be around those who do.

it's hard now. those who do. to see my friends following that same path, as no doubt holly felt for me, knowing that the abuse will only ultimately lead to more pain, more suffering, a waste of precious time and a greater sense of being lost and alone. but all i can do is be here, with arms open wide and waiting to welcome them back to a life they've temporarily forgotten. to help them, if they come back to portions of life lost, get back up on their feet and take steps in the right direction. i can be the friend i was so lucky to have so many of here for me when i awakened from my chemical nightmare that almost stole my life.

it's so good to once again be able to see the beauty of reality, something i valued all along, and yet somehow twisted. there is no doubting it, the novelty of drugs is impressive, but it's got nothin on the clarity with which i perceive natural beauties daily now..