i'm not as sad as anticipated. tears don't feel the need to scream. no itchy wrists. so biting nails. no bitten palms.
and it's not because i don't care.
so often, i walk away, or they do, and i'm not really that affected. in most instances, it's primarily due to the underlying knowledge that it never really would have worked anyway. there's always prevalent issues, things i notice more when i step away, barricades jumping out into my vision, preventing true connection, that i realise should have been paid attention to from go.
but now? no, it's not that. there was no lack of true connection, no persisting issues from which to draw closing conclusions.
i'm at such peace this time around, simply because i know, and have ultimate faith, that this will do him good.
it's funny, you know you really care about someone, when your own gain and satisfaction, your own fulfillment doesn't play a part. when tears refuse to be shed for fear of complication on the other part. when you abandon all need for self gratification, abandon all emotions, all attraction, all knowledge of inevitable future loss, to walk away because you know ultimately it's the best thing for THEM.
i'm going to miss him. but in my big lonely empty bed, lacking warm enveloping arms, i'll sleep at peace and well tonight, knowing that he's one step closer to finding himself.
and i want that. more than anything. his incapability to comprehend the way i treated him like a whole and valuable person, instead of merely another half of something more complicated, was clear indication of his need to find self value and sense. unable, and unused to functioning as a separate being, excited, yet intimidated and frightened like a child with an overexcited puppy. to play, then to retreat.
his shock at my treatment astounds me, how did past encounters convince him he was worthy of any less? at any rate, he is a beautiful person. and it's time for him to grow into that person he's been forced to corner all along.
grow. and i'll wait. and i'll watch. and i'll hold your hand, as your friend, whenever you may need. and i mean whenever. and i think you believe me when i say that. it's not an empty promise. that's not my style.
maybe it'll be sooner rather than later. maybe it will hit a rocky depth before an upward plunge towards the universe of possibility. maybe i'll be there at the end. maybe i won't. maybe there's a future in us, maybe there's not.
i'm not fussed. right now, my priority is with our friendship, which came first and will prevail over any other commitment. i want to see him shine. and the prospect of that is so enlightening, overshadowing any hint of depressive loneliness or self lacking i may feel. my sacrifice is far worth the reward.
i let it go, set it free. if it comes back it's mine. mine. if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.
what matters now is growth.
for me as well. i have no desire to be with anyone else. i have no desire to hang on every word and wait for a moment to pounce. i have so many things to concentrate on now, a world ahead of me full of possibility and opportunity. i'm getting healthy. i no longer have any desire to damage my body in ways that used to tempt me so much. i'm regaining interest in the true beauties in life, my friends, my family, and a pure clean mind and heart.
complete and utter bliss. a calm lapping at the edges of my essence. i feel good about everything.
life is beautiful.
and for the first time in a long time, im in it. and i can feel it.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.
my concern lies with the tendency for dependency. reflection allows me the luxury of a path already taken, a story written from which to draw. to damage yourself in a sad selfish search for an entity to fill whats missing only results in more disappointment, and more loneliness as you watch your friends walk out of your life one by one. something i've come to realise is that all that time looking, seeking something to replace the emptiness, is a waste. all the time i spent out there trying to fill this hole i'd had left inside my core, only to realise, after a painful exercise of risking friendships and health, career and stability, it started and ended with me. i wasted so much time out there, when i could have been getting on with my life, as a happier healthier and a completed individual, had i taken the time to embrace that time alone. to look inside that emptiness and to realise what was missing was not anything that another could assist with. that emptiness was a lack of self love, that can't be found through one night stands, through small time flings, through a bottle of vodka, or any kind of illicit substance. in those is only breeding deceit and failure, a hiding place from yourself. eventually you catch up, and hiding wasn't worth your time.
embrace that time. get to know yourself. nourish relationships with your network. thrive at every possible opportunity. be honest. be yourself. and find those who love you for it. keep hold. and abandon friendships unsatisfying or long dead. move, and keep moving. and learn, about yourself.
this isn't even about him... i've learned so much.
the time is now. you never know when tomorrow might bring disaster and you don't want to be on the side of the street wondering where your life went down that path. pick it up. walk with it. run with it. fly with it. and look. find yourself.
and back to you... if you need help, i have a few clues as to where you might be hiding. a transparency in a sense, vision deeper than suspected... i'm here.
i cannot wait to watch you fly. you're beautiful.
and thankyou, for the past few weeks. i don't know how, i don't know why, but you helped give me motivation to hold tight to the recognition that i'm far too good to become what i was rapidly turning into.
i could type all night. nonsense about revelations. spew inducing affirmations and proclamations. but that's just pointless.
i'm tired. for the first time in a long time. i'm tired. my eyes hurt. and i want to go to sleep. the silly thing is, i never noticed until tonight, being tired, that i'd spent the last few months without the notion of "tired." i've been exhausted, run down, out of mind, falling asleep at the wheel of my car, out of energy. my eyes weren't tired but my mind had had enough, my mind was shutting me down. today, my eyes are tired. today, this small bodily state of being, which would normally frustrate me to no end, has brought a sense of optimism. health is on it's way.
goodnight xxx
and it's not because i don't care.
so often, i walk away, or they do, and i'm not really that affected. in most instances, it's primarily due to the underlying knowledge that it never really would have worked anyway. there's always prevalent issues, things i notice more when i step away, barricades jumping out into my vision, preventing true connection, that i realise should have been paid attention to from go.
but now? no, it's not that. there was no lack of true connection, no persisting issues from which to draw closing conclusions.
i'm at such peace this time around, simply because i know, and have ultimate faith, that this will do him good.
it's funny, you know you really care about someone, when your own gain and satisfaction, your own fulfillment doesn't play a part. when tears refuse to be shed for fear of complication on the other part. when you abandon all need for self gratification, abandon all emotions, all attraction, all knowledge of inevitable future loss, to walk away because you know ultimately it's the best thing for THEM.
i'm going to miss him. but in my big lonely empty bed, lacking warm enveloping arms, i'll sleep at peace and well tonight, knowing that he's one step closer to finding himself.
and i want that. more than anything. his incapability to comprehend the way i treated him like a whole and valuable person, instead of merely another half of something more complicated, was clear indication of his need to find self value and sense. unable, and unused to functioning as a separate being, excited, yet intimidated and frightened like a child with an overexcited puppy. to play, then to retreat.
his shock at my treatment astounds me, how did past encounters convince him he was worthy of any less? at any rate, he is a beautiful person. and it's time for him to grow into that person he's been forced to corner all along.
grow. and i'll wait. and i'll watch. and i'll hold your hand, as your friend, whenever you may need. and i mean whenever. and i think you believe me when i say that. it's not an empty promise. that's not my style.
maybe it'll be sooner rather than later. maybe it will hit a rocky depth before an upward plunge towards the universe of possibility. maybe i'll be there at the end. maybe i won't. maybe there's a future in us, maybe there's not.
i'm not fussed. right now, my priority is with our friendship, which came first and will prevail over any other commitment. i want to see him shine. and the prospect of that is so enlightening, overshadowing any hint of depressive loneliness or self lacking i may feel. my sacrifice is far worth the reward.
i let it go, set it free. if it comes back it's mine. mine. if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.
what matters now is growth.
for me as well. i have no desire to be with anyone else. i have no desire to hang on every word and wait for a moment to pounce. i have so many things to concentrate on now, a world ahead of me full of possibility and opportunity. i'm getting healthy. i no longer have any desire to damage my body in ways that used to tempt me so much. i'm regaining interest in the true beauties in life, my friends, my family, and a pure clean mind and heart.
complete and utter bliss. a calm lapping at the edges of my essence. i feel good about everything.
life is beautiful.
and for the first time in a long time, im in it. and i can feel it.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.
my concern lies with the tendency for dependency. reflection allows me the luxury of a path already taken, a story written from which to draw. to damage yourself in a sad selfish search for an entity to fill whats missing only results in more disappointment, and more loneliness as you watch your friends walk out of your life one by one. something i've come to realise is that all that time looking, seeking something to replace the emptiness, is a waste. all the time i spent out there trying to fill this hole i'd had left inside my core, only to realise, after a painful exercise of risking friendships and health, career and stability, it started and ended with me. i wasted so much time out there, when i could have been getting on with my life, as a happier healthier and a completed individual, had i taken the time to embrace that time alone. to look inside that emptiness and to realise what was missing was not anything that another could assist with. that emptiness was a lack of self love, that can't be found through one night stands, through small time flings, through a bottle of vodka, or any kind of illicit substance. in those is only breeding deceit and failure, a hiding place from yourself. eventually you catch up, and hiding wasn't worth your time.
embrace that time. get to know yourself. nourish relationships with your network. thrive at every possible opportunity. be honest. be yourself. and find those who love you for it. keep hold. and abandon friendships unsatisfying or long dead. move, and keep moving. and learn, about yourself.
this isn't even about him... i've learned so much.
the time is now. you never know when tomorrow might bring disaster and you don't want to be on the side of the street wondering where your life went down that path. pick it up. walk with it. run with it. fly with it. and look. find yourself.
and back to you... if you need help, i have a few clues as to where you might be hiding. a transparency in a sense, vision deeper than suspected... i'm here.
i cannot wait to watch you fly. you're beautiful.
and thankyou, for the past few weeks. i don't know how, i don't know why, but you helped give me motivation to hold tight to the recognition that i'm far too good to become what i was rapidly turning into.
i could type all night. nonsense about revelations. spew inducing affirmations and proclamations. but that's just pointless.
i'm tired. for the first time in a long time. i'm tired. my eyes hurt. and i want to go to sleep. the silly thing is, i never noticed until tonight, being tired, that i'd spent the last few months without the notion of "tired." i've been exhausted, run down, out of mind, falling asleep at the wheel of my car, out of energy. my eyes weren't tired but my mind had had enough, my mind was shutting me down. today, my eyes are tired. today, this small bodily state of being, which would normally frustrate me to no end, has brought a sense of optimism. health is on it's way.
goodnight xxx