tantrum_child

whats with the walking around like you own the world? what's with the ego?
fuck man, i can't handle to be around you anymore. someone needs to take you down, show you that you're not god's gift to the world.
someone out there, is better than you.
and a lot of people are happier.

i need to sort out my life. my priorities.
right now it's too much about staying up late, going crazy, doing things i shouldn't just cos it feels so awesome. and it does. but is my life slipping by while im so engrossed in this other world?
i have a lot of opportunity. i'm given a lot. i have a lot ahead of me. and it's so good right now, to hide away in the shadows of the nightlife and his arms, to dodge every responsibility that comes my way, let it flow over my head with not so much as a shrug. but really, I'm going to turn around very shortly and find that the rest of my life has left me behind. alll my opportunity will get sick of waiting. i can't let that happen. i know i need to get on top of things.

i turn 20 next weekend. and with that im making promises to myself. i'm my toughest critic. if i break, i will judge myself harder than any ruling.
2 weeks left of this. i won't go harder cos it's the last two weeks, but i will allow myself this time for transition. between little girl lost to someone who has grown into her responsibilities and who is taking charge of all that's been put in front of her. I'll never be perfect. I'll always be a scatter brain. I'll always leave things to the last minute. I won't make myself unlikely promises... Then I'm only setting myself up to fail.
but what i DO need to do is get my sleeping habits back. I need to sleep at night, and be awake for what i need to do in the day. I need to possibly look at getting a new job that can offer me more reasonable hours. Finishing work at 12am and starting uni at 8 is a bit silly. I need to cut down on my hours and just accept that I can't make as much money while at uni as i could while not.

My semester off was to work and save so i could go back to uni ready to go. At this stage i can't even afford one or two of my books, and it's the 2nd week in. I need to get my shit together cos i'm ruining so many things that i have in front of me.

and not just that part of my life, but man i need to slow down. i'm trampling all over myself and abusing my body in ways i should know better. my head is not equipped to deal with all this chemical mess. how did i find myself here? it was all too easy really. far far too easy for me. and now i'm stuck here looking around going "who are u? and u and u and u? and where the fuck am i?" where along the ways did i lose those other friends, not better, not worse, but they were close to me, and now, do they remember my name?
someone told me people are talking about me. i was gobsmacked. i don't know why, but people talking is something i haven't even thought about! And will continue not to. I was shocked she's think i cared what those people are saying. and i know which people they are. the people that have always hated me anyway. the people who could get blood from my stone and bitch about it. the people who, no matter what i do, will always find some way to backstab me, and each other. i do not care about them. no, not at all. i care about my friends. those closest to me, who would stand by me even thru this hardest times, these times, and who can look at me and tell me im beautiful "but..." I've hurt a few of my friends. and that's not good enough, not acceptable, and how they feel means the world to me. but those other people? why do they even matter? as long as my friends know who i am, thats all that matters. But my friends are losing me too, i'm losing myself, and so the need for repair. I've been selfish. at first thru gluttony of this lifestyle. and then, thru trying to fix myself, trying to find what i need to make it better. i need to be a little selfish. just a little. but not to the extent that i was.

I'm finding myself though. i'm feeling very at home at the moment. and everything's crazy and beautiful and going so fast im not sure how to keep up. i need to strike the happy medium with this one. need to find the balance between my world and his. cos right now im very much in his, and we're very much in our own. which is beautiful for the moment, but again, i don't want our lives to pass us by while we're oblivious under covers. and it's a bit crazy, cos everyone acts like its just another one of my things. i do that a lot. and everyone has reason to believe that. but i realised a little while ago i couldn't keep being with people to try to fill this hole i have inside me, to replace what i had steady for 3 years. and i stopped. i stopped looking to replace anything. and then there was him. i do worry that it'll blow up in my face and i'll look like an idiot. that's the last thing i want. but we're both pretty happy, so here's to hoping it all works out... i haven't been this happy with someone for a while. it's not just one of those things. but time will tell whether it all works out or not hey xxx
That's all the self resolution talk i have in me at present. couldn't possibly spill more garble if i wanted to.

Need to go to work now.

Thankyou.
To all my friends who are still there and who still want to be.
Thankyou to those who were there.
And sorry, to anyone I've hurt in my period of selfishness.

xxxxxx