tangledupinblue

There's a white diamond gloom on the dark side of this room and a pathway that leads
up to the stars.
If you don't believe there's a price for this sweet paradise, remind me to show you the
scars.

There's a new day at dawn and I've finally arrived.
If I'm there in the morning, baby, you'll know I've survived.
I can't believe it, I can't believe I'm alive,
But without you it just doesn't seem right.
Oh, where are you tonight?


~daily dylan~~~~~


I was seventeen years old in the spring of 1990. I was a senior at a pretty WASPy boarding school in Western Masschussets. I had a wonderful senior year there, acting as a lead finally in "The Marriage Proposal" by Chekov, almost winning Battle of the Bands as the frontman of a Dead cover band and goofing around with my friends. We were pretty lame socially and still enjoyed a lot of "guy" things: video games, playing cards, softball, trying to talk to girls, that kind of thing. Our school had just gone coed that year and girls were tremendously exotic -- like a safari of love. I was dramatically smitten for nearly the entire year with a sophomore named Vanessa. She was my first realistic crush, and she lived up to the name, crushing my heart upwards of four times during the school year (including once over Christmas break).

Graduation came in May and following the ceremony my friends and I wound our way through the circuit of graduation parties. These parties still remain some of the more elaborate and fun events I have ever attended. Being at a school with a lot of really wealthy people, these parties were all night affairs on large estates. They usually featured a Gatsby tent, along with a live band or two as well as a DJ, and many many kegs of beers. The parents knew we were headed to drink after graduation and were of the mind that it was better to supply the booze and the venue and keep the car keys until the next day than to let us run amok.

These parties were real bachanalias. By late at night there were couples everywhere in various states of undress, and were piles of drunkards indiscriminately making out. I was unexperienced romantically -- as were most of my good friends, being we were pretty much dorks in the grand scheme of things. So I figured that these parties would be full of poker games, and arguments about whether the Road Wariors could take Demolition in a pro wrestling tag team event.

I had set up a ride to the parties with one of my friends, Rob along with my best friend, George. We looked very suave I am sure, white as can be, cranking Public Enemy through the speakers of the battlelship that was the Buick Elektra station wagon - a vehicle that went so far into awfulness that it sported faux wood side panels. About a week before graduation Rob had told me that his cousin, Jenny would be joining us. He said that she was a shy girl and really depressed and asked if I would look after her and make sure she tried to have a good time == not in a romantic way but just to make sure that she got to meet our friends and such. Rob had his girlfriend to spend time with at the parties and I was a solid bet to have time on my hands.

Since she was described as being more than a little blue I figured she would be an awkward girl, and not very able to socialize well. Well, when I met her, I was absolutely floored. She was absolutely the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She had blond hair cut in a longish bob, and just a supernatural smile and gleaming eyes. I could not have dreamt up a more beautiful lady for a graduation "date". I remember that she was dressed in glenn plaid pleated pants that rose high over her waist and then ended up in suspenders over a white-ribbed T-shirt. There are women in cartoons and comedy movies that make people stammer and walk into lamposts while watching them. It was hard to believe but here was one, and she was going to be with us all week and one more week in NYC after the parties were over.

As smitten as I was initially, I was also a little ready to be dissed. She was so lovely and so confident looking that I figured that this was going to be one lady who would have no trouble whatsoever in finding friends rather quickly. And she didn't. Our group arrived at the first party in Connecticuit pretty early, and Jenny and I spent the time before the party having acouple of drinks and talking. I tell you, she was magical. I really was wondering how real it all was. I mean she looked absolutely interested in me, in what I was saying about life, values, the future, and even the subject of relationships and love. She didn't just listen though and told me a lot about herself. We had a lot in common, including jazz and some feelings of loneliness that we shared with each other that we never thought anyone else could ever understand let alone experience -- being the narcisstic teenagers we were. We both said we were happy to find each other and to not feel so alone for this evening.

As the party progresed Jenny predictably drew a crowd to her. All the men were really struck by her to the point of there definitely being some jealous girlfriends who were dragging their hombres off to dance or neck or to do anything but be within gawking range of Jenny. A few guys in particular stayed glued to her through the evening. I did not say much. I just hung around the back of the group and looked at my feet a lot. As the evening grew on I kind of gave up and drifted over to my friends and did some drinking and goofing around. I was definately doing my best to be "on" that night. I made sure the group was stationed within earshot and eyesight on Jenny and her court, just in case she looked. I tried to be funny and cool and probably failed at both.

But no matter what I did and how foolish I was, some of it must have worked. She came over at around 1 am and took me away from my friends, asking me much to everyone's amazement -- most notably mine -- to accompany her back to the car to get a sweater. I grabbed a six pack of beer (suave, eh?) and walked off with the most beautiful girl I'd seen. As the night went on she revealed herself to be more beautiful a person than she was a woman. She was thoughtful, vulnerable, tender, kind and really liked me. I was amazed that she felt so alone in her home town and told her that she was the Truth, the Dwight Gooden of women. It may have sounded like lines but I am not that kind of guy. I wasn't then and I am happy I am not one now. Jenny and I ended up kissing that night and falling asleep together, with her head on my chest. It was the most amazing night of my life and still is pretty damn up there as far as pure joy goes.


We spent the next two weeks together. We went to the rest of the parties and spent every night much as we had the first one. I was so sad when she went back to Wisconsin -- back to the places and people that hurt her so. Man this still fucking hurts to write about. Jenny and I kept in contact that summer. I was headed to Georgetown and she was headed to the University of Wisconsin. I was looking forward to seing her again over Columbus Day weekend as I was going to go see her. I'm goin to pick the pace up here. I never saw her again. She died of an overdose of heroin -- of questionable intent - in a seedy waterfront area of Green Bay. I loved her and would have shared her burdens as best I could. When Rob told me she was dead I felt like the world had kicked me in the gut. I cried for a good while and felt like holeing up forever. I was convinced that I had failed her. Had I been with her I could have stopped this. It's been ten years, actually going to be fourteen years in a few months and I had not thought this much about her in years. I am sure that was intentional because thinking of her is not the easiest thing to do. I wonder why she is so with me lately. Am I scared that I will lose someone else I love or am I asking myself or her for permisison to let her go. At any rate I do hope I will find an answer to what these thoughts mean, if anything.

Jenny, if you can hear me though wherever you are, I miss you like hell, and wish that things had turned out so different for you. You were a wonderful woman, and started me believing in myself and that life could be good. I am sure that you are ligthting up heaven the way you lit up all those parties, and my heart.