tangeu

Dear Journal,
This season always depresses me.....no, not the christmas season, but end of the semester, I have always FUCKED it up somehow (like I do with most things), currently I feel as tho I may be failing most of my classes. Not to mention attempting to regester for next semester reminds me how much this college hates me and tries to screw me over.....get this in the handy dandy "Computer Science Major Recommended Schedule" it says I need to take CSE 335, CSE 378, CSE 331, and CSE 343 this semester, well that makes things easy right? RIGHT?!?! Of course not, 335 and 378 are only offered at THE SAME FUCKING TIME, and 331 is currently FULL (a class that every CS and CE major has to take offered at one time this semester and.....wait for it......only 25 seats!!!). Whatever this is only a recommended schedule so I deviate a bit right? RIGHT?!?! wrong, it appears that every following class has these as a prerequisite. Luckily I have found a college that I am gathering information on and going to apply to so maybe not much longer to put up with this kind of stuff.....although its probably common practice to attempt to screw students over at any college, I mean we seem to have less rights then any other "class" (but thats another rant)

I am so sick of all this Bull Shit, I need to get away, I want to get away, find a little cabin at the base of a mountain in the middle of nowhere with no one there except me. Noone to bother me, no one to fuck with me, no one to give me urges to kill, just me and a supply of food. I would just sit in solitude and stare off into the distance, slowly losing my mind (I acually wish to lose my mind then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this). It would be quite refershing, not doing anything, I would probably not even get out of bed, just lie there for a few months, only getting up to eat and shit.

You know what the sadest part in all of this is, I not only am wading through lifes shit but i have no friends left to talk to about it. They say "sometimes its good to just talk to someone and get stuff off your chest"......all of my friends have slowly faded away, they have moved, gotten jobs, found their place, FUCKING abandoned me......I suppose thats not to fair, I am so terribly shy that I don't even... no I can't even start a casual conversation, join a casual conversation, answer questions with more than one word answers. Even when I do bring myself to contact someone, they usually just ignore me or we pick a day to hang out and do stuff and then promptly forget about it when the time comes.....and no way would I be assertive enough to call and ask what was up at that time, I just sigh and go about my day.

A good example of this crippling shyness is the other day I was out for a walk on campus, I saw this rather attractive girl, so the natural thing was to avoid eye contact and move to the far other side of the sidewalk (so near to the edge that half my steps are on the grass). Then she smiled and said "hi" I literally took a step back and gave such a look of confusion (I may have scowled I am not too sure) that she quickly turned and kept walking pretending nothing had happened, after about 50 meters I glanced back and a chance meeting of the eyes caused nothing more than for her to kind of shake her head in what appeared to be pity and disgust.

-Dave
p.s. please excuse the extensive use of poor english, and swearing, for I am quite upset at the moment