I've really been trying to stay positive lately, but it's just getting so hard. I can't remember ever feeling so dissatisfied with the direction my life is headed before. I don't even know what brought this on. I was just sitting here, trying to figure out this statistics homework for my biology lab, and it hit me how unhappy I am with things. Not really one thing in specific, just the way my life has turned out in general. I'm not happy with the way things are, and I don't think I have been for a while now. I don't like my classes, I don't like my living situation, I HATE the fact that I still don't have a job.
Maybe this is really the root of all my medical issues as well? How can my body be happy when my mind is so conflicted?
Why couldn't this have hit me a couple weeks ago? It's too late to change my classes. I can't get my money back and I can't afford to lose what I've already put in. It'd be too late for me to catch up to any other classes anyway. And what would I switch to? This is what I thought I wanted to do with my life. If it's not, then what the hell is? I've never been good at anything, so I wasn't expecting this to be easy, but should it really be this hard? Should I really be this unhappy?
And what if it's not just my classes I'm so unhappy with? I'm so dissatisfied with my life in general, it's hard to believe it doesn't go beyond just hating my classes. Should I have just stayed in France last summer like I had planned to? Would things have been better overseas than they were here? Should I have kept my apartment in Parma instead of moving back in with my family, only to be thrown out on my ass all over again?
What the hell did I do wrong that's making me so unhappy right now? And how can I fix it before this drives me insane?
It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it, but I can't stop. I just hate the direction things are heading in so much, and I don't see any way that I can change things. I can't accept that I'm just going to have to sit back and watch this happen. There HAS to be something I can do. I just have to figure out what that is before it's too late and I fall into some sort of mid-life crisis and just destroy everything I've worked so hard for.
I know a lot of people panic and drop out their first year of college, and I really don't want to be one of those people, but I can't just ignore the part of my mind that's telling me this isn't just panic. That I'm really on the wrong path right now. But I've already scrapped my whole life and started over more times than I can count, and I just don't think I have it in me to do it again. I'm just so lost right now, I need some sign that what I'm doing is right. That I'm not ruining my life just to keep everyone else around me happy, because that's what this feels like to me.
Maybe this is really the root of all my medical issues as well? How can my body be happy when my mind is so conflicted?
Why couldn't this have hit me a couple weeks ago? It's too late to change my classes. I can't get my money back and I can't afford to lose what I've already put in. It'd be too late for me to catch up to any other classes anyway. And what would I switch to? This is what I thought I wanted to do with my life. If it's not, then what the hell is? I've never been good at anything, so I wasn't expecting this to be easy, but should it really be this hard? Should I really be this unhappy?
And what if it's not just my classes I'm so unhappy with? I'm so dissatisfied with my life in general, it's hard to believe it doesn't go beyond just hating my classes. Should I have just stayed in France last summer like I had planned to? Would things have been better overseas than they were here? Should I have kept my apartment in Parma instead of moving back in with my family, only to be thrown out on my ass all over again?
What the hell did I do wrong that's making me so unhappy right now? And how can I fix it before this drives me insane?
It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it, but I can't stop. I just hate the direction things are heading in so much, and I don't see any way that I can change things. I can't accept that I'm just going to have to sit back and watch this happen. There HAS to be something I can do. I just have to figure out what that is before it's too late and I fall into some sort of mid-life crisis and just destroy everything I've worked so hard for.
I know a lot of people panic and drop out their first year of college, and I really don't want to be one of those people, but I can't just ignore the part of my mind that's telling me this isn't just panic. That I'm really on the wrong path right now. But I've already scrapped my whole life and started over more times than I can count, and I just don't think I have it in me to do it again. I'm just so lost right now, I need some sign that what I'm doing is right. That I'm not ruining my life just to keep everyone else around me happy, because that's what this feels like to me.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
comixbookgurl:
*hugs*
user209834982:
Staying positive can be hard when life is being a bastard.