tallahassee

so, not a happy blog but not necessarily an unhappy one either. i have so many mixed emotions on this i'm not really sure how to react. its a long story and i'll go into detail later i promise, but for now i'll keep it short so i can get my thoughts out before i fall asleep. so basically whats going on is this: being sick caused me to isolate myself even more than usual in the hopes that i wouldn't pass on my germies to anyone else. well, this brought on one of the worst bouts of depression so far since moving. being so depressed forced me to rethink my whole plan, which made me realize that i really am NOT ready to be out on my own yet. sometime soon i may be ready to try again (this time with the bf to help me out) but i will not move until i have a job, and i will start with an apartment closer to my friends and family this time. i wanted the kind of independance that i just am not ready to handle right now, and i can accept that and move on. i'm going to write my mom a letter explaining everything so that she won't be able to inturrupt me like i know she would do over the phone. this way i can get my whole feelings out on the table where she can see them, and hopefully doing so will help her to see that i am a mature adult who should be treated as such rather than as the child she still seems to think that i am. i have learned a lot in the last couple of months, but this much solitude is more than i can handle at this point in my life. i knew moving out would be the hardest experience of my entire life, but there is just no way anyone can possibly begin to fathom just HOW hard it is until they've experienced it for themselves. i was wrong to think i could handle it alone. so i'm going to make the right decision this time and move back home. i'm going to ask my grandparents if i can stay at their house while they're away in florida for the winter, so that i don['t have to live with my mother (which would just not be very helpful to the depression at all.) but i can still be close enough that my friends in berea can come see me (which they won't do all the way out here.). i'll miss a lot about the apartment, but i just feel like this is the right decision for me right now.

i'm going to pay for the rent thru the month of november so that i have plenty of time to move out and i don't need to rush myself at all, but i'm going to stop looking for jobs in the area and just focus on sorting through what i'm going to move back home and what i really don't want to move again. i've even thought it out and planned how i can keep basically all of my furniture, so that when i do move out again later i don't have to buy new stuff all over again. most of it will fit between mine and my brother's room, since he won't be using his all that often. and if i do stay at my grandparents, im sure i can keep some of it there as well. either way, i don't think i'll have to get rid of much. just maybe some of the clothes that are becoming a pain in the ass to have around when they don't fit. i've tried selling and i'm giving up. i'm just going to donate them since no one wants them. i won't actually get rid of anything til november tho. so if you're in need of clothes let me know, i have tons to get rid of. i have tshirts out the ass in a juniors/women's/w/e you want to call it medium (which i kept bc i was trying to fool myself into thinking my tits would ever fit into a medium again...which they wont.) and other than that it;s pretty much a wide assortment of sizes and everything else. i just don't really know what to do with it all, i don't really want it anymore.

so yeah, so much for a short blog lol! well i havent slept yet so i'm going to go do that for a couple hours before i go stalk the lobby waiting for the fed ex guy to show up with my first ever chuck palahniuk book, i'm so excited!!! i can't wait to start reading something of substance again.it's like eating a home coooked meal for the first time after years of ramen noodles and easy mac. so exciting!