talina

I dont know what to think. Today i went out on a date with my boyfriend; we saw 300 in imax.. It was good.. but i wasn't having such a great day to begin with. I hate having to be forced to do something.. I know i haven't seen my guy in a week or a week in a half but i have so much on my plate with school and work; it's just very difficult to get things prioritized.. So when i told him i couldnt' see him this week it was a fight until i agreed to see him on Wednesday after work.. Today in the morning i had my job interview for a position i wanted really badly.. It didn't go so well.. so i felt really crappy.. then i had to pull myself from the freaking floor.. got ready.. and went to my shitty job.. where i proceeded to be harrassed sexually by my dumb ass coworker.. who is a pain in the ass.. and believes that making comments about my ass is acceptable.. and that touching me even when he pretends that is related to other things other than harrassment is totally acceptable.. However, i'm not really a girl that can't take care of herself.. when i get tired of his bullshitt.. all he's going to see is the freaking floor.. Anyways, so i went from feeling dissapointed and defeated.. to harrassed and uncomfortable.. to Date...

To make the story short i wasn't really feeling very happy.. I enjoyed the movie but afterwards i wanted to relax.. walk hand in hand with my guy and just talk.. But he wanted other things.. He wanted to have sex..wich i wasn't really feeling into it.. He's excuse.. we don't see each other that often.. i need it.. So we drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find a public place where we could do the dirty deed.. We ended up returning to the Edwards Ontario Mills theater finding a spot and doing it there.. Which is something i would usually enjoy but not tonight.. While we we're driving he was getting on my freaking nerves bc he kept asking me where where where.. I was like don't ask me i don't fucken now.. I didn't say it in those terms just i dont know.. And i wasn't speaking very much at all bc i was annoyed by his lack of commitment to making a decision on his own... So i was just thinking i want to go home..

So when we did it.. i didn't really enjoy it.. I felt like one of those people that are just used for sex.. and thats it.. So no spiritual connection, no enjoyment.. Nothing

Today i just feel.. Empty and defeated..

I'm sure he didn't make me feel this way directly.. i think my feelings about the whole day in general are making me feel this way..

So right now.. i feel lonely..and tired.. but sleepless.. with no one to talk to bc no one can understand what it feels like to be in a relationship where nothing is quite perfect..

Sometimes i feel good with my boy.. sometimes i feel neglected.. and other times.. i feel used.. Yet

Overall, i feel guilty for being this way and thinking all of this when he says he loves me

The only thing is.. I'm not sure if i'm in love with him.. and Right now is painful bc i've realized that i have nothing that truly belongs to me.. I don't have my perfect job, my perfect life, my perfect love..

all i have is doubt, uncertainty, weird feelings, and i'm lost without anyone being able to understand that.