talina

I think i'm over my head. I've have never been in a serious relationship before; so i decided to give this guy that i met on my space a chance.. Well, it's been four weeks and he's already thinking of the future.. I'm thinking past today or tomorrow.. I'm starting to get bored, and mind you it happens often enough.. I'm not thin, beautiful, or perfect so it makes sense that i'm being a total fucked up idiot about the whole situation. Bc even though he's kind of a perfectionist he accepts me for who i am body and all. The sex is good...it keeps me entertained.. everytime i see him which is twice a week only (unfortunately bc he lives in victorville we have some).. so twice a week for four weeks well is eight times.. Twice in one day.. so that would be 16 i guess.. Not a lot but average i guess. I just think i'm a little bit different than him.. I think he's too fragile.. i can't bite him bc i'll bruise him etc.. so i gotta be careful bc he doesn't like that sort of thing.. and to tell u the truth i think i like it a bit rough.. Is weird bc we can be compatible in a few things but the majority of stuff we are not.. He's also having some major problems... i didnt find out until now that he's an alcoholic.. been that way for two years.. So is kind of scary to see him trying to sober up.. Bc he is sick every morning.. and i think he's dependent on pills even though he says he uses it just for the panic attacks he gets bc of the alcohol.. Somehow i feel that if he quit and suffered through withdrawals for a week without the pills he would be better off.. but of course i can't tell him that bc he has a temper... and who i am to tell him how to live his life.. On the other hand.. i tried breaking up with him on Saturday bc my family absolutely hates him, and i can't deal with the whole fucked up situation.. besides i have no car right now.. so long distance relationships dont seem to work that well unless we can see each other.. And i dont want to ask for rides, and he's in no position to pick me up all the time.. Besides if he would start complaining i would be pissed off.. bc i have been going all the way to victorville to see him once a week.. and he only goes as far as ontario mills.. Overall, i tried to be comprehensive about the situation but my patience is running thin.. I dont like to break people's hearts especially since he is already saying "i love u to me." I think the worst thing i've could have done is saying it back even though i'm not sure i mean it.. I care about him, but is hard to be with someone who is selfish at times, and totally oblivious to the fact that we are so different.. I think we're both in it bc we we're lonely..I hope it is that way... bc i can probably remain a friend with benefits to him bc i worry about him. Not bc of the sex bc that i can do without.. but bc i care about him.. He says if i leave that things will be bad for him, and he'll start drinking again.. I dont do well with ultimatums.. Is not wise to tell me if u leave me then i'll hurt myself bc that's selfish in the most fundamental of ways.. But being the caring person i am i still care...but for how long.. i'm not sure.. either way.. maybe he'll get tired of me.. maybe he'll stop caring so much.. maybe we can be friends in the long run.. and i can help him and he can help me.. we won't be lonely, but not together either.. If he needs me physically i'm there for him.. i know that.. but emotionally i'm not sure if i'm ready for that.. I"m not sure if we're good for each other.. I know i will get bored.. and i won't be happy...

Either way i'm confused.. but i need to write to clear my head.. bc im not sure if i'm running away bc i'm afraid of commitment.. or if this is really what i feel.

Utterly Confused,

Carol