and i am back in residential treatment for what feels like the millionth time. this week is always hard for me because im typically always struggling when it rolls around. this time is no different. im having a hard time finding the motivation to get better. i dont want to continue starving myself for the rest of my life, but this has been my life for the past 19 years. i dont know if im capable of change. i dont even know if i want to at this point. living with anorexia is hell, but it does serve a purpose. it gives me an escape. it allows me to survive without dealing with the messy stuff. the stuff i dont want to talk about. the stuff i would much rather forget.
i always hate this week. this year is no different. i dont know what this week will look like next year, but i do know one thing- after this, im never going back to treatment again. after this, im done. so ill put forth the effort. i will try. but if i fail, well then i fail, and that will be that.
