takoda

Everything I am..

I'm really lost & alone, I thought I would join this website to help that. But nothing seems to be working.

To understand me, you have to understand what I have been through. Growing up wasn't the easiest thing to do, but I'm sure I wasn't the only one who had a hard time doing so. Young single mom trying to raise me, with a fucked up father who never even dated my mom. I was molested & hit as a child, I was used for lies & games with my fathers wife & girlfriends. I was told I wasn't good enough, or strong enough to be a man. But there were a lot of issues that made me stronger as a person & I'm grateful that I actually lived through them, so I wouldn't be ignorant to this world. I got to see it first hand growing up how ugly it could be. I mean it's our past that makes us who we are today right? But even with all my miss guidance & troubled youth, I was able to find love. I was living with my girlfriend at the age of 17. She sort of took me in, fixed me up & got me working again. I loved her with everything I had, & it was a lot. Because she brought out something in me I never seen so strongly, love. A year later we found out we were going to be having a little girl, young but in love we were happier than ever to be able to have a child. We were ready for it all, but about five months into her pregnancy we got into a car accident. I woke up in the hospital to find out they had both passed away. I'm 22 years old now, & I still hurt from this. Time hasn't healed me, & others haven't made the numbness go away. I feel nothing, & my body has learned to fake the feelings that should be there. I'm confused, nothing makes sense. Religion, self-help books, being optimistic, being positive, friends & family, sharing my story, not sharing it, they have all seem to not help, & I feel ashamed to admit that. I've have learned how to fake the emotions, how to make it seem like I'm okay, I have so many people who rely on me, who I make happy. To take my life away would to be stupid. I don't cut myself, I don't drink my pain away. I sit here, emotionless to the world around me. I thought being on this site would help me, surround myself around people who maybe in a way were a little like me, maybe find someone just as broken as I was. Because the people who say I'm sorry for what happen, well they don't know what else to tell you they can't imagine what it is your are feeling, or not feeling. I don't know how to be me, & that has become the biggest problem. I don't know who I am, or what makes me happy, or what I should do next. My half sister is 16 & looks up to me so much. Her mother wants to move in with her husband & wants me take over raising her. I have another 8 year old sister from my moms side who has a rare disease close to autism, she deals with more than anyone I know. A little 6 year old brother from my moms side who thinks I'm the world & everything I do is the most amazing thing to him. I have four more other younger siblings, & my relationship with my family has only gotten better. My father is out of my life, yet I'm cleaning up his messes with the children he screwed over. I feel nothing with everything I have.. I don't even know what to say anymore...

I just wish I knew how to cry, I haven't done it in so many years, I'm a broken little boy, & no one's words to me have seem to helped. Therapy, inspirational speakers, spiritual healers, it all seems the same in different content. Who am I? & why did I get put through all this, & wasn't given the option to opt out. I could never abandon my younger siblings, & all the friends I have say I show them more love then anyone, I have become the person to go to when all else fails. I like helping my friends, & helping them feel better. I'm alone, yet I'm sounded by people who feel this love for me & care about me. All I feel is numbness. There is so much more I can say, but I've lost hope in posting this, thinking I'll find an answer. I don't know how to be, that's what you have to understand.

The closest way I can describe it is, I'm pulling everyone that loves me up a mountain in a wagon. I don't want them to notice I'm pulling them up, I don't want them to thank me. I don't want to be talked to, or tried to be made happy. I'm just dead, & I want to go through this life with hurting as little amount of people as possible.

My heart feels to big, & theirs not enough room anymore. If I could just meet someone to give all my love to.. But no one should have to deal with the things I go through.

Thanks for your time. I'm sorry I don't know how to be social to you all. A lot of people on here seem very happy, & I like seeing that many of you found a place to be accepted for who you are. This is a great site. Thanks for everything & the kindness anyone on here has shown me.