beginning coverage of the
2009 Ronald Reagan Memorial Villain Invitational Tournament!
for those of you who dont know what the fuck im talking about, here goes. ive been doing this in my journal every year (this being the 5th time) to coincide with the NCAA basketball tournament. basically, i set the matches up and you vote for who you think would win. easy, right?
rules are simple:
no weapons allowed, just your fists and your wits
here goes!
1. Hannibal Lector -
Silence of the Lambs vs. Marcus -
Bad Santa
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Hannibal Lector
the reigning and defending champion will kick things off here. hes a little over the hill but you wouldnt know. watch out for those teeth.
Marcus
being a 16th seed is a bitch. marcus is going to have to deal with that.
2. Benjamin Linus - Lost vs. Catwoman - Batman Universe
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Benjamin Linus
okay, so you might be saying, "hes not a bad guy anymore!" i call bullshit. he has risen to, at best, anti-hero. you can never trust the little bastard. even if he loses the match, he will probably bullshit his way out of the afterlife and come back to win.
Catwoman
shes a tough broad. and the tight leather outfit helps.
3. Captain Spaulding - The Devil's Rejects vs. LaRoche - Derailed
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Captain Spaulding
built like a brick shithouse and menacing as fuck, hes capable of putting someone down quickly.
LaRoche
this fucker puts to rest any theories that the french cant be tough.
4. Joker - The Dark Knight vs. Cerdic - King Arthur
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Joker
joker has gotta have a lot of momentum going into this one. a crowd pleaser to be sure. no pencils are allowed here but joker is pretty creative. hell think of something.
Cerdic
he looks like greg allman and william wallace had a kid. but that aside, hes a ruthless sonofabitch barbarian.
5. Angel Eyes - The Good, the Bad & the Ugly vs. Fallon - Judgement Night
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Angel Eyes
this cats got icewater in his veins. he doesnt mince words, he just tells you what hes going to do, then does it.
Fallon
he talks a lot of shit. like a LOT of shit. for an hour and a half. but hes tenacious and unrelenting so we can let that go.
6. Dexter Morgan - Dexter vs. Norman Bates - Psycho
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Dexter Morgan
yeah, i know hes the protagonist, but my use of the word "villain," here is loose. and he IS a serial killer. and hes pretty good at it.
Norman Bates
a classic creepo. lets see if mother comes to help her son here.
7. GoGo Yubari - Kill Bill vs. Esteban Reyes - Weeds
SPOILERS! (Click to view)GoGo Yubari
gogo brings it every year and does her gender proud in a field dominated by men.
Esteban Reyes
he seems calm and charming enough on the surface but people dont get to the position he holds without doing terrible things.
8. Ozymandias - Watchmen vs. Terrell Owens - the NFL
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Ozymandias
okay, hopefully, this isnt spoilering anything. im hoping you either went to the movies this weekend or are a reader. if not, my bad.
in any case, yes, i used the picture from the comic. yes, im comfortable with that. i dont care how fruity it looks, i like this iteration better. so deal with it.
Terrell Owens
hes no longer with the cowboys so hes slightly less evil. hes an asshole and a crybaby but the good news is he can run real fast.
alright, theres your first 8 matches, so start voting!
Just not when I'm spending half my afternoon sobbing because I can't figure something out.
What baffles me is that I am EXCELLENT with numbers. I can remember dates, phone numbers, even fucking social security numbers.
Here we go:
1) Hannibal Lector. there is no contest here.
2) Catwoman. As long as we rule out the Halle Berry incarnation.
3) Captain Spaulding. yep.
4) Joker. one of the best villains of all time period.
5) Angel Eyes. one bad mother-fucker.
6) Norman Bates. in reality it's a push, but sheer creepiness wins here.
7) GoGo Yubari. yes please, and then some more.
8) Terrell Owens. the guy can still play.