I am a worrier. I'm sure it's taken years off of my life at this point. I worry about that too. I worry like it's my job, even when I try not to.
Every once in a while I feel like I'm strong, and secure, and I have conquered my irrational fear of absolutely everything, but usually I feel like it's all a lie. I feel like a crazy person, too scared to admit that I'm afraid to get out of bed in the morning, because what if something bad happens today? What if I make a grilled cheese sandwich for a kid with a peanut allergy, and someone with peanut butter on their hands stuck their hands in the carrot stick 1/6th pan? Maybe it will be my fault if they have an allergic reaction? What if I get into a horrific car accident on the way to work? What if something terrible happens to my daughter at daycare while I'm working? What I have to work out front, and I screw up the cashout? What if my daughter hates me for working so much? Am I screwing her up by dropping her off at daycare every day just to provide for her?
The list goes on.
I try not to think about it all, but it's all I ever think about. I try to convince my rational mind that I have no control over the things that I worry about obsessively. I tell myself that there is no reason to stress out about things that I can't control, and that I should focus my energies on things that I CAN control. That is the advice I try to follow, and give to other people.... but it doesn't really make a difference. Sometimes it just gets lost in the shuffle. Sometimes I feel ok, but most times I'm just overwhelmed, sad, and anxious. .. but why? My daughter is happy and healthy, I'm in the best relationship anyone anywhere has ever been in, I love my job, I love my apartment, I have everything I need.
What is wrong with me that I just can't chill out and enjoy all of the wonderful and beautiful things that life has gifted me?
Why do I worry?