t13

Is dating a musician always about coming in second? I know he cares about his music more than anything but I guess I hadn't fully realized that I come in second when he comes in first for me. Surprises, nah. Happy month, we aim for a socond one, yeah right. This rises so many questions: why does the mother of his son hate him so much? Why was it so important for him to find me? And now that he did, what good am I for? He asked me if it was alright for him to take pictures of me to carry around, to brag about me with his friends. I said yes, I felt flattered. I told him what philosophy meant to me and all he could hear was me preching. I do not preach.


I honestly, for a fucking second, thought yesterday meant something for him but when I called him (because he almost never calls me) and told him I really wanted to see him he told me wednesday night worked better for him because he was going to go to Shaun's last night. Well, sorry if I fuck up your schedule. I dont believe in the whole giving each other presents everytime we celebrate a month together, but I just wanted to see him, even if it was just for a little bit. Randall made it worse by telling me what he would do if he was dating someone like me.


I've been thinking about it all day long: I come in second. And I wonder what I think of myself in order to bare with that fact. I seriously dont wanna sound like a bitch, but I would like to mean a little bit more to him than just his weekend hook up. I thought I did. But music comes first, his band comes first. And later on when he starts touring (if he ever does) I will see him even less, and other things will come before me. I wouldnt mind if there was some sort of love between us, but we just got started. There's no commitment. If I come in second from the start, where will I end up?