Its painfull to watch somone you consider a good friend throw so much away because of pain and fear. Its the most impotent feeling in the world knowing that no matter what I do or say, I will only make things worse. A friend of mine is throwing away 2 friendships because of a woman he has known for 6 months and dated for 2. The sad thing is he thinks its all everyone elses fault. From what I hear, he was looking for different results from all the drama that has transpired.
All the deciet that I have suspected over the years has finally been confirmed. I still wish him nothing but happieness. Pain and fear make people do strange things. Watching a loved one die is the worst time to start a romantic relationship. Fear of being alone clouds the rational portion of the brain.
The Dichotomy of Home:
Its interesting the dichotomy that found me at home away from home a few weekends ago.
On the one hand, I have been ostrasized by somone who doesnt even know me for
reasons that I dont even come close to understanding...this feels of home
because it so closely resembles my childhood "family". I was the puzzle piece
that didnt fit, that no one really wanted around. The scapegoat.
Im sorry.
I wish I had not been too early.
I wish I had not been too late.
I wish I had not been so scared...no I wish I had not let fear rule me insteead
of the other way around.
I wish I knew how to cry.
I wish I was strong enough.
I wish you didnt hate me because we are all human. In a way, hating me you hate yourself.
I wish in one hand and piss in the other and guess which one fills up first? I
wish it was not such a surprise every time.
I wish I understood.
Im sorry.
Ive been touched by everyone Ive ever known....I dont think most realize how
much. Including me at times.
For that I am not sorry. I learn from all of them.
On the other side of the dichot, there was hosptality in the arms of somone I am
becomming far to fond of for my own good. He managed to make me feel at home
even in the midst of a hostile situation 400 miles drive from my sanctuary
Im told I can be cold and distant...I know I am not one to express my feelings.
Words of affection feel foreign comming from my mouth. Like those awfull
French words that I cannot pronounce. Like I am spitting out somthing mealy and
mushy that tastes faintly of metal shavings. Im guessing only I can change
that. So.
I like somone. Alot. Tell no one. Especially not me.
Todays childish taunt of brattieness:
I got to see Kraftwerk and you did not.
Fuck all of the bullshit people create. When will people learn? Its just not worth it. : plants flowers and foodthings in the bullshit:
All the deciet that I have suspected over the years has finally been confirmed. I still wish him nothing but happieness. Pain and fear make people do strange things. Watching a loved one die is the worst time to start a romantic relationship. Fear of being alone clouds the rational portion of the brain.
The Dichotomy of Home:
Its interesting the dichotomy that found me at home away from home a few weekends ago.
On the one hand, I have been ostrasized by somone who doesnt even know me for
reasons that I dont even come close to understanding...this feels of home
because it so closely resembles my childhood "family". I was the puzzle piece
that didnt fit, that no one really wanted around. The scapegoat.
Im sorry.
I wish I had not been too early.
I wish I had not been too late.
I wish I had not been so scared...no I wish I had not let fear rule me insteead
of the other way around.
I wish I knew how to cry.
I wish I was strong enough.
I wish you didnt hate me because we are all human. In a way, hating me you hate yourself.
I wish in one hand and piss in the other and guess which one fills up first? I
wish it was not such a surprise every time.
I wish I understood.
Im sorry.
Ive been touched by everyone Ive ever known....I dont think most realize how
much. Including me at times.
For that I am not sorry. I learn from all of them.
On the other side of the dichot, there was hosptality in the arms of somone I am
becomming far to fond of for my own good. He managed to make me feel at home
even in the midst of a hostile situation 400 miles drive from my sanctuary
Im told I can be cold and distant...I know I am not one to express my feelings.
Words of affection feel foreign comming from my mouth. Like those awfull
French words that I cannot pronounce. Like I am spitting out somthing mealy and
mushy that tastes faintly of metal shavings. Im guessing only I can change
that. So.
I like somone. Alot. Tell no one. Especially not me.
Todays childish taunt of brattieness:
I got to see Kraftwerk and you did not.
Fuck all of the bullshit people create. When will people learn? Its just not worth it. : plants flowers and foodthings in the bullshit:
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
thank you for all your advice and concern.