syrvyxyn

This just in. I am a selfish bitch with serious problems with emotional intimacy. Lets have a show of hands for those who are surprised by this.
*crickets chirping*
Every time somone tries to get close to me emotionally I run. I push them away. I do so without even realizing it.
I used to do it out of fear or being hurt.
Now I do it out of a fear of hurting others.
I may not know what healthy looks like, but I know what abusive and unealthy looks like. And I know I dont want to inflict that on others.
People say they understand. And they believe that they do understand.
But they dont. They cannot understand unless they have been there.
Unfortunalty I wind up hurting people in my attempts to avoid hurting them. It would seem i cannot win.
When i was a wee sprout, I wished for things. I asked the universe most politely for things that I am at long last being given. Peace is a never ending process that begins with me.
As I clear away the toxins left by a childhood I never wanted, I find the eccoing most deafening.
I wish I could cry.
I realised that I was fighting a battle that could only be won by admitting defeat.
I was living a war that can never be won. One can only hope to survive. 13 cycles forward, 3 of the biggest ironies to ever be ironed will occur.
They will occur outside these boarders that both define and confine who I am.
And I will be compelled to admit to somthing I have allways refused to admit.
Those who love me (are there any left?) are allready aware...they just wonder when I will admit it to myself.
Why am I allways the last to know?