Did you ever get the feeling that everything around you means nothing? That it's all cardboard cut-outs and things designed to keep you busy while something else is going on? Lately I have. Some of it's state of mind, lots of new things going on and not being sure how to feel about them. I'm actually having trouble deciding if my feelings of alienation are just one more part of the big show or not.
The last time I felt like this was when I decided I was done with the University. I had no idea why I was there. I didn't belong and I had no purpose that was visible to myself. I guess at that time I was pretty depressed. Now I think it's more stress than depression.
If you had asked me 4 months ago; "Rich what is your purpose?" I probably would have had an answer. It may not have been a great one but it was at the time enough to keep me going. I can't even remeber what was keeping me so content over the last year. It seems like most of the things that I was engaged in are only progressing as normal if not improving for me. Yet for some reason I don't really care very much at the moment.
Of course this afternoon everything seems fine, I am content, I have things to look forward to and am not being a hopeless cynic. Last night was a different story. I was reading an Invidsibles comic and waiting for the phone to ring in front of a fan in 90 degree heat. All this after a long nap. I'm not sure if I was ever truly awake.
I finally called my girl which is generally ill-advised because her Husband gets angry with her. And once again I thought of how much deeper this is sucking me in. I can't stand for her to be trapped. The closer we get the more I can't stand the thought of her being paid for bearing her sexuality on the internet for the entertainment and arousal of others.
I tell her how I feel and I don't think she gets it. I try to explain using examples and it frustrates us both and I say harsher things to try to make her understand the feeling in my intestines when I look at the pictures on this site of girls either casually playing with themselves or other girls for someone else's financial gain or because they truly want to.
I asked her if she ever did a two girl set that she not look at the other person like she really wanted to fuck her. And she almost scoffed when she said "well that's kind of the point.". The point for who? "It is after all a porn site.". It scares me that she can so casually label what she is doing as such. Before I just told myself that she does it for the attention or for fun but now what she is doing has to live up to the standards of good porn.
I couldn't understand this I just wanted her to understand that if this is a monagamy then the combination of the looks on her face and the position of her naked body in exctacy are for the viewing of her and I. Not the whole world and not to be paid for and re-sold. I can talk to my friends about this and they seem to understand my side of things. But couldn't ever talk to her friends to see if they could seem to understand it. Most are members of this site. i want to know if I am completely off base but have n way to judge. I can't propose this questiont a group of people that lust after internet models, talk about thier 4 ways on message boards and about what fun it would be to watch someone else fuck your sweetheart because niether of us are those people.
I left this site for those reasons. Perhaps I don't understand her. I can't understand why she MUST take off her clothes for the purpose of sexually arousing people and get paid for it. I understand talking to people and meeting them and having fun. I also understand the thoughts people have in private while these girls are put on display. The more of a solid business this site becomes the worse I think it is going to warp girls that are using it as a shelter and won't leave. This new set with Jessica rolling around in money just makes me think once again of the scenes from Requiem For A Dream that so turned my stomach.
This issue is more complex than even I can explain. It has to take into account the morals/feelings etc of several people. But for now as I've told this much all I can say is it hurts. At best when I speak my mind on it it hurts her and makes me feel like I'm out of touch with reality when before and after I speak it I am quite sure of my reality.
Out of the big show that is being put on everyday I am sure that being with this girl is part of my new purpose. But the parts of this that are fucking with my mind are toplling the rest of the cardboard cut outs, the rest of the scenery in the show. The other night, drunk, while she told me she had to leave Ii started to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't tell her or myself why then now I can only speculate that watching the scenery in your show fall around you is scary and I can only hope that the parts I want to knock down can be uprooted without falling on either of the players.
PS I hven't done a punk show in a while so that will be one of my short term goals, another horse and pony t keep my attention elsewhere.
The last time I felt like this was when I decided I was done with the University. I had no idea why I was there. I didn't belong and I had no purpose that was visible to myself. I guess at that time I was pretty depressed. Now I think it's more stress than depression.
If you had asked me 4 months ago; "Rich what is your purpose?" I probably would have had an answer. It may not have been a great one but it was at the time enough to keep me going. I can't even remeber what was keeping me so content over the last year. It seems like most of the things that I was engaged in are only progressing as normal if not improving for me. Yet for some reason I don't really care very much at the moment.
Of course this afternoon everything seems fine, I am content, I have things to look forward to and am not being a hopeless cynic. Last night was a different story. I was reading an Invidsibles comic and waiting for the phone to ring in front of a fan in 90 degree heat. All this after a long nap. I'm not sure if I was ever truly awake.
I finally called my girl which is generally ill-advised because her Husband gets angry with her. And once again I thought of how much deeper this is sucking me in. I can't stand for her to be trapped. The closer we get the more I can't stand the thought of her being paid for bearing her sexuality on the internet for the entertainment and arousal of others.
I tell her how I feel and I don't think she gets it. I try to explain using examples and it frustrates us both and I say harsher things to try to make her understand the feeling in my intestines when I look at the pictures on this site of girls either casually playing with themselves or other girls for someone else's financial gain or because they truly want to.
I asked her if she ever did a two girl set that she not look at the other person like she really wanted to fuck her. And she almost scoffed when she said "well that's kind of the point.". The point for who? "It is after all a porn site.". It scares me that she can so casually label what she is doing as such. Before I just told myself that she does it for the attention or for fun but now what she is doing has to live up to the standards of good porn.
I couldn't understand this I just wanted her to understand that if this is a monagamy then the combination of the looks on her face and the position of her naked body in exctacy are for the viewing of her and I. Not the whole world and not to be paid for and re-sold. I can talk to my friends about this and they seem to understand my side of things. But couldn't ever talk to her friends to see if they could seem to understand it. Most are members of this site. i want to know if I am completely off base but have n way to judge. I can't propose this questiont a group of people that lust after internet models, talk about thier 4 ways on message boards and about what fun it would be to watch someone else fuck your sweetheart because niether of us are those people.
I left this site for those reasons. Perhaps I don't understand her. I can't understand why she MUST take off her clothes for the purpose of sexually arousing people and get paid for it. I understand talking to people and meeting them and having fun. I also understand the thoughts people have in private while these girls are put on display. The more of a solid business this site becomes the worse I think it is going to warp girls that are using it as a shelter and won't leave. This new set with Jessica rolling around in money just makes me think once again of the scenes from Requiem For A Dream that so turned my stomach.
This issue is more complex than even I can explain. It has to take into account the morals/feelings etc of several people. But for now as I've told this much all I can say is it hurts. At best when I speak my mind on it it hurts her and makes me feel like I'm out of touch with reality when before and after I speak it I am quite sure of my reality.
Out of the big show that is being put on everyday I am sure that being with this girl is part of my new purpose. But the parts of this that are fucking with my mind are toplling the rest of the cardboard cut outs, the rest of the scenery in the show. The other night, drunk, while she told me she had to leave Ii started to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't tell her or myself why then now I can only speculate that watching the scenery in your show fall around you is scary and I can only hope that the parts I want to knock down can be uprooted without falling on either of the players.
PS I hven't done a punk show in a while so that will be one of my short term goals, another horse and pony t keep my attention elsewhere.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
How can you say all this with a clear mind? Obviously you frequent this site and hopefully enjoy it. Obviously you pay for it. Why suddenly the change.
I realize there are some freaks out there, but they could see her anywhere and have the same dirty thoughts. I think you shouldn't mind, for the sake of the majority of us who truely appreciate the beauty of this site and its girls.
I'm also in a committed relationship and in the process of trying to get my first set up.
I realize that some of the people who look at the pictures will only lust after them and not appreciate them, but I also know that many will appreciate them. I also know at the end of the day I'm coming home to someone who loves me very much and respects me. He may lust after me also, as it should be in any healthy relationship, but he also takes care of me.
Besides a bod is a terrible thing to waste. You're only young once.