syncope

Sometimes I just need to let things go. I can't honestly say that I'm proud of everything I've accomplished so far. I thought I would amount to so much more. I feel that so much time was wasted, maybe it was my slow learning curve for accepting myself. It's amazing how some people get it right off the bat while others struggle for so long. When will I wake up? So much of my life has changed in the past year. A woman asked me to marry her after two months. WTF! I finally found a career path that may fulfill my dreams. A family member suffers daily while another one slowly deteriorates. At times I am angry for my lack of control over things. I guess I cannot help everyone. I have some really good friends but I don't have her. I thought by now I would be with someone I could love. A real relationship based on trust and respect, not on lust and emotional dependence. So far, it hasn't happen and I'm beginning to feel it never will. I try to be strong but sometimes I just need someone close to hold. My worst fear is that I won't have someone to comfort me when shit hits the fan in my family. It's only a matter of time and I feel alone. I'm not that bad looking. About 6'2, broad shoulders, short dark hair with a few tattoos. It shouldn't be hard to find someone right? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough? I guess I'm shyer than I come across. I don't even put pictures of myself on this site anymore. I'm almost afraid to for some reason.
I boost people's self-confidence everyday as a trainer but sometimes struggle with my own. I want to get over this because it really eats me up. Tomorrow is a start to a brand new week with new opportunities. I'm going to try my best to get off to a good start.

Hmmfirst emo journal of the new year. I guess its better than drinking my pain away. I'd be a terrible alcoholic anyway.