potty humor (the porta-potty kind, trust me, this isnt that bad, just read it)
Today at work, i took my 52nd shit in a porta-potty in Iraq (we also have working toilets, but not where i work, only by my living quarters), and i must say it was quite a memorable experience as usual. It all went smoothly, and contrary to american porta potty beliefs, there was soft, comforting tissue to reach the contours of my ass in a way that normal porta potty tissue cant do. i remember the days when i could take a shit in the comforts of my own home, with my own heater which turned the bathroom into a sauna, but now that the army beckoned me (i was on acid when i signed the dotted line, ask me about it some time.), i have grown accustomed to the use of the amazing Iraqi porta potty.
speaking of excrement, i have never known urinating to be as uncomfortable as it has been lately. i am totally convinced i have a urinary tract infection, or it could be the fact that i have tiny granules of sand in my pee-hole. word to the wise; dont pee outside in the open during a sandstorm. 1. it just doesnt make sense when there is a porta potty near by, and 2. the sand here has the consistancy of baking flour (yeah, its that fine), and it goes in places i never knew imaginable. although holding my urine for days at a time and then FINALLY urinating on the fifth day does sometimes bring upon an orgasm, it is not healthy, or so my doctor tells me (i swear hes high on something). it has the same effect as standing on a heater vent in the middle of a cold winter night (and we all know how that feels, yeah its nice). but, the only real reason i wrote this message was to admit that i have a problem, i have become addicted to caffeine, and i cant stop writing retarded, yet oh so entertaining, shit. keep reading.
today alone i drank 6 Rip Its (and it is 430 in the morning), and that is the same amount of caffeine in about 8 red bulls, so as you might notice, im tweaking the fuck out. i have not slept in 4 days now, and in the total of those 4 days, im willing to bet i have drunk 28 rip its (they are free to take at the chow hall, so hell, why not indulge in a few...). it clearly states on the can, "WARNING: Rip It is not recommended for use by children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine". The problem lies therein, i have the mindset of a 12 year old, the emotional capacity and hormones of a pregnant woman, and i am incredibly sensitive to caffeine. Once again, i should have read the instructions before tampering with the device (just like that one time when it said dont drink 3 bottles or Robitussin at once, which was fun, but not as good as ecstasy). Go steve. And, once again, thanks Army, for fucking me in the ass, ass holes. (as i pop open another can of Rip It). Next thing i do in iraq is open a porta-potty rave. yeah... i said it.
Sincerely,
The Candy Kid that could (and did in a porta potty once, and regretted it later)
Steve, AKA DJ SWINLOK,
the founder of Caffeine (but still not as good as ecstasy) Addicts Anonymous.(CBNAGAEAA) <-- haha, that almost looks like the word CABBAGE >_<
PS - Send me comments! Ill write more! im bored! (starts dancing)
Swinlok
Today at work, i took my 52nd shit in a porta-potty in Iraq (we also have working toilets, but not where i work, only by my living quarters), and i must say it was quite a memorable experience as usual. It all went smoothly, and contrary to american porta potty beliefs, there was soft, comforting tissue to reach the contours of my ass in a way that normal porta potty tissue cant do. i remember the days when i could take a shit in the comforts of my own home, with my own heater which turned the bathroom into a sauna, but now that the army beckoned me (i was on acid when i signed the dotted line, ask me about it some time.), i have grown accustomed to the use of the amazing Iraqi porta potty.
speaking of excrement, i have never known urinating to be as uncomfortable as it has been lately. i am totally convinced i have a urinary tract infection, or it could be the fact that i have tiny granules of sand in my pee-hole. word to the wise; dont pee outside in the open during a sandstorm. 1. it just doesnt make sense when there is a porta potty near by, and 2. the sand here has the consistancy of baking flour (yeah, its that fine), and it goes in places i never knew imaginable. although holding my urine for days at a time and then FINALLY urinating on the fifth day does sometimes bring upon an orgasm, it is not healthy, or so my doctor tells me (i swear hes high on something). it has the same effect as standing on a heater vent in the middle of a cold winter night (and we all know how that feels, yeah its nice). but, the only real reason i wrote this message was to admit that i have a problem, i have become addicted to caffeine, and i cant stop writing retarded, yet oh so entertaining, shit. keep reading.
today alone i drank 6 Rip Its (and it is 430 in the morning), and that is the same amount of caffeine in about 8 red bulls, so as you might notice, im tweaking the fuck out. i have not slept in 4 days now, and in the total of those 4 days, im willing to bet i have drunk 28 rip its (they are free to take at the chow hall, so hell, why not indulge in a few...). it clearly states on the can, "WARNING: Rip It is not recommended for use by children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine". The problem lies therein, i have the mindset of a 12 year old, the emotional capacity and hormones of a pregnant woman, and i am incredibly sensitive to caffeine. Once again, i should have read the instructions before tampering with the device (just like that one time when it said dont drink 3 bottles or Robitussin at once, which was fun, but not as good as ecstasy). Go steve. And, once again, thanks Army, for fucking me in the ass, ass holes. (as i pop open another can of Rip It). Next thing i do in iraq is open a porta-potty rave. yeah... i said it.
Sincerely,
The Candy Kid that could (and did in a porta potty once, and regretted it later)
Steve, AKA DJ SWINLOK,
the founder of Caffeine (but still not as good as ecstasy) Addicts Anonymous.(CBNAGAEAA) <-- haha, that almost looks like the word CABBAGE >_<
PS - Send me comments! Ill write more! im bored! (starts dancing)
Swinlok
zero:
sand in pee-hole = no good... 