swinedestroyr

destroyer

music and smoke

i am overflowing with creativity and ideas
and yet with no outlet suitable to express myself
i become overwhelmed with melancholy
and turn to walking the streets
unbounded, destination-free, directionless
grimy sidewalks and wet concrete roads
allow my mind to wander uninhibited and free
crossing bridges overlooking rushing dirty brown rivers
offer my only consolation

and finally at long last
i arrive home
soaking feet cold and numb with wet
muscles burning from the effort of escape
and seek solace from fiery liquids that warm my belly
and pills that make me dizzy and almost blind to reality
i attempt fruitlessly rational thought while under
the hazy cloud of smoke
issuing from not only the cigarette i hold
but my mind which is home to
a swirling mess of confusion and mass hysteria

so here i am sitting uncomfortably
seeking solace
from music and smoke
and soft light and drink
and isolation and my own barely beating heart
seeking comfort from paper that was given life
from a dead tree
a vicious cycle
seeking companionship from an inkpen that in due time
will also die
and soon abandon me as well
joining me in my final moments of reflection and regret
regret? they ask
but you have no regrets they say
and that
that is in small part my facade
a mere factitious mask ive worn
ive regrets
as have we all

so here i am sitting uncomfortably
seeking comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow
may not come
tomorrow i may not awake
to again walk the empty streets
soulless gardens of exhaust and stink
avoiding eye contact
lest i be the subject of jest
almost as if i cared that i am that subject
with my ugly sneer of contempt
and resignation

memories plague me, friend
daily hourly and by the second
memories swirl behind this mask of serenity
ive surreptitiously hidden regret
instead choosing to walk away quickly
and only sneaking a brief glance behind

i regret looking back even once that very first time
and will regret it for the remainder of this mere existence
for in that brief look
i glimpsed all that should have been

im waiting for night to fall, friend
im waiting for darkness to engulf the world around and inside me
and silence to ensue
for then and only then
can i remove the mask
and allow perhaps but a single tear
to sneak silently away into the warm depths of my carpeted floor