sweetnepenthe

I find myself in such a familiar place as this yet again.
That sickening feeling is overpowering, like the stench of rotting garbage.
In some ways I see myself as that very rotting garbage.

First comes the chills that run through my body with a sickening shudder.
Next comes the metallic taste that lingers for hours.
Quickened pulse followed by a tightening heart painful enough to take my breath away.
And last, and most certainly not least.
Panic.

Yes, welcome home. This is my body but I wish it weren't. These are my thoughts but they scare me so I like to imagine they aren't mine, just some figment of my imagination. This is my life and I'll live it but I wish it weren't so hard to do so. This is my body. My cage. I've found a way out of it before. Do I have the lack of reason to do it again?
Welcome home. Should I call 911 now?


Is it wrong of me to want someone in my life who can be with me in moments like this? I feel like it is selfish. What a burden it must be to have to be with someone as fucked up as I can get sometimes. I would love to say that it would be worth it, but I don't think it would be really. I've been through so many broken relationships that it must have affected me somehow. It has left me wanting something I feel I am not worthy of having. I find myself falling for someone WAY out of my league, for the oh.. I don't know MILLIONTH time.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm sick of waking up alone. I'm also sick of people assuming they know me.
Yes, I am complaining.
What a whirwind of a weekend.

Hello Monday. You sure got here fast.