sweetnepenthe

guess who's back? before you roll your eyes, trust me, this is for the better.

rehab just isn't for me. i'm not the kind of person who can sit in a circle with strangers and whine and complain about my addictions. i spent one night there. i put my foot in the door, realized that i didn't like what i saw, and backed out. i know so many people were proud of me for taking a big step towards bettering myself. i know i'm a disappointment in that sense, but to be honest, i've gotten over my addictions by myself before. i'm positive that i can do it again, on my own.

and i'm never one to make excuses, but i'm in a flare up, and trying to go into rehab while i'm as sick as i am isn't a good idea.

i got some AMAZING news today. news that makes me want to get on the right track and stop with the chemical dependencies. sometimes good news is all you need to get your ass in gear.

Back in December, in one of my classes at school, we had a guest speaker, who co-owns a local recording studio, visit. I think I mentioned it in a blog... but if not.... The studio specializes in classical and jazz music. And i am a HUGE classical music fan, i've been playing classical piano for over ten years, and violin for over 4. So after class I spoke with the owner of the studio and told him i'm a huge classical music fan, and told him that if they are ever looking for an intern, i would love to give it a try. He said that the studio might be looking for an intern in january, and they are definitely looking for someone with a background in classical, not just rock (and trust me, almost ALL of the guys at school are solely interested in rock).

flash forward a month. i sent in a resume to the studio on january 5th. today i received an email from one of my instructors, saying that the co-owner of the studio had called my school asking about me. he told my instructor that he would like to talk to me, and asked her to send me a message and give me his phone number. so, i get the email, freak the fuck out, and called him about 30 minutes ago. (by the way, all of this happens just about an hour after i get back from my pathetic day in rehab)
So i call the guy, and he said i made a really good first impression, and he would like to get me in to the studio to talk with his business partner. The studio is looking to hire a part time engineer as well as an intern, and im interested in both. so, that was pretty awesome. Then he tells me i should send in a resume. But i was like... erm.. I did, like, a week ago. That's why i thought you were calling. He said that he never got the resume, but he just remembers me because i made such a good impression or whatever. SO, that's pretty awesome. The guy remembers me out of all the people he spoke with. (maybe it's cuz i'm the only chick at that fucking school? haha) so anyways, i told him i'd drop a resume off today. and he said he's gonna set up a time for me to meet with him and his business partner.

I AM FREAKING OUT! this is some of the best news i've gotten in MONTHS. and i'm gonna be a total idiot and say that if i stayed in rehab, i might have missed this chance. after all, i'm not the only one who wants this job.

now if i can only find a way to finish school and not fall behind due to my illness, everything will be great. 23 days, 4 hours until graduation. I've got a lot of shit to do before then.....

as crazy as my life has been the past few weeks, things seem to be falling into place. I found 3 doctors here in Madison, so I don't have to drive 2 hours to get to my old docs anymore. My one day in rehab made me realize that I have the strength to help myself. I've done it before, and now that I have so many positive things happening around me, I have the will to get better. There is a possibility that I could be working in a recording studio, a dream i've had and have been working towards for many years. I'm (hopefully) graduating in less than a month, getting my degree before I turn 20. I'm getting my dream tattoo started on sunday. I've come to grips with the fact that the person i fell in love with is way too good for me, and that even if he wasn't, things would never work out between us and so I either move on or just be sad all the time.

Oh, and did I mention that I got hit on? By.. some alcoholic named Dan. I was getting a walk-thru of the place I was planning on staying at, and this guy just out of nowhere walked up to me, shook my hand, and said something like "finally, there's a reason to stay in this hellhole." as sweet as that was, and a little bit of a confidence booster (trust me, i looked like HELL when i got there....) it made me realize that i wouldn't be happy in this place, and i can't get better if i don't feel happy in the atmosphere i'm in. so... thanks dan.

this is a ridiculously long blog, so i thank anyone who read it. and thank you all for the support. i know leaving rehab is disappointing, and it might seem like i'm giving up. but i ensure you, i'm not. i have wonderfully supportive and caring friends here to help me out if i feel like i'm slipping back into the gap again.


OH! IMPORTANT MESSAGE! i got tons of phone numbers. but for the most part, i only know people's screen names, not your real names. and it seems kind of weird putting people's screen names in my cell phone. so, do me a favor and let me know your first name? it would be much appreciated

i love you all.


~Nichelle~