sweetie

*
and she does it again. Yeah, i fuck up again, He explodes again.
...
because it took me all the whatever i had left in me to get up and clean up today... and i spent the day doing it.
.
because i decided my new number (which isnt ready) needed a decent scenario and spent hours painting a stupid shower curtain.

.
because He came home and brought the 6 year old with Him and i blew up cuz they got the floor i spent a few hours cleaning dirty and she started crying because i got mad at Him
.
so He just went into the bedroom and ripped our contract.
.
(does it mean He freed me?)
.
and left.
.
so i don't know what will happen next. And that is scary. i usually have a very good idea of the outcome of things.
.
i guess mesmerized is a good adjective for how i feel.
.
i don't want us to end. No matter how distressing it has been to me... is it bad for me?
.
me, me, me... i don't want to lose Him.
*
so i went ahead and scribbled a "temp" contract. Yeah, it's my blood.

*
i'm stunned.
.
what to do?
.
where to go?
.
do i pack up and leave, and live on? do i stay and suffer through this, and try to start again?
.
i don't even know what i want anymore.
.
i just don't want to lose Him. i still want to be His... and His only.
.
fuck!
.
damn it...
.
guess there is nothing to do but to have a drink and go to bed. No, just go to bed.
.
even taking a shower now, with that razor blade laying around is a bad idea.
.
no, i'm not a suicidal person. i think. That is... what if He means it this time?
*

i'm tired of being hurt. Thats why i became a slave in the first place. To be kept safe away from me.
.
Does that make me a bad slave or Him an incompetent Master?

*
tomorrow holds the answer. i'll wait.
*

(i just wanna stand by my Man.)
*
i wonder how He is feeling now?
*

edit: it just hit me that i am feeling very vanilla right now. And that it is not my fault. Ok, some of it was... but He never tried at all.
...
all of a sudden i feel like the drowning person who manages to survive, and while reaching shore, notices a daydreaming life guard staring at her.
...
i wish He would try. Harder. What kind of domination is this after all?!!!
*
i wish i could sleep... i need to. (Life goes on outside relationships, ya know?!)
*