i'm panicking again. for a while i felt brilliantly clear minded and in control but now it's all back to normal and it sucks. i'm off sex 'cause i always sleep with the wrong people and i'm tired of fucking things up. i wish i had someone that could hug me and take me out for dinner but i guess i'm gonna have to get a teddy bear instead. i'm also tired of complaining so i'm gonna stop now. let's focuse on the positive bits.
- i bought new furniture from ikea the other weekend, and my soon to be room is looking damn good
- i'm moving some clothes over to my mates tonight and i'm really excited about folding them up and putting them in my new awesome chest of drawers
- i've finally bought coach tickets for when i go home, and it's nice to have that out of the way
- i get to meet my mates kid as well as my brother when i go home, which is exciting 'cause i haven't seen either of them for a very long time. well, the kid's only a couple of weeks but i meant his dad
- the kids name is elliot dolores and it makes me laugh, with him not at him, mind you
- i'm getting better at eating, which is something i easily forget to do
- my friends uploaded a new song on their myspace and it's awesome
- i've got lots to do at work, i'm getting a lot of praise from my customers and i'm loving it
- i'm getting along really well with my ex, he seems a lot happier now and i think he has a new girlfriend
- i treated myself to a work-skirt today, all i need now is a sunny day to wear it
- i picked up my new deck of sg cards this morning, which means i can play circle of death at the pub again and meet lots of new cool boys and girls
- i'm hopefully going to the pub with a bunch of happy people later
- i'm starting to feel more positive just by writing this list. i might start doing a list every day
- i posted some bullshit i've written in the poetry group and got incredible heart warming feed back, i've also emailed some to my amazingly smart big sis
- Nemesis has a new set up, which is one of the best i've ever seen
i'm off for a fag. x
- i bought new furniture from ikea the other weekend, and my soon to be room is looking damn good
- i'm moving some clothes over to my mates tonight and i'm really excited about folding them up and putting them in my new awesome chest of drawers
- i've finally bought coach tickets for when i go home, and it's nice to have that out of the way
- i get to meet my mates kid as well as my brother when i go home, which is exciting 'cause i haven't seen either of them for a very long time. well, the kid's only a couple of weeks but i meant his dad
- the kids name is elliot dolores and it makes me laugh, with him not at him, mind you
- i'm getting better at eating, which is something i easily forget to do
- my friends uploaded a new song on their myspace and it's awesome
- i've got lots to do at work, i'm getting a lot of praise from my customers and i'm loving it
- i'm getting along really well with my ex, he seems a lot happier now and i think he has a new girlfriend
- i treated myself to a work-skirt today, all i need now is a sunny day to wear it
- i picked up my new deck of sg cards this morning, which means i can play circle of death at the pub again and meet lots of new cool boys and girls
- i'm hopefully going to the pub with a bunch of happy people later
- i'm starting to feel more positive just by writing this list. i might start doing a list every day
- i posted some bullshit i've written in the poetry group and got incredible heart warming feed back, i've also emailed some to my amazingly smart big sis
- Nemesis has a new set up, which is one of the best i've ever seen
i'm off for a fag. x
Having sex with the wrong people, and cocking things up ( sorry....couldn't avoid using that last bit.... it works so well here ) is part of finding your way. If you in your 40's and still doing that. Then it's a major issue. At least your starting to think. " Hey, there's better things out here than going to shows and clubs and randomly hooking up with the next ,sexy,skinny, bad boy, musician/actor/bartender/DJ with : cool Tattoos/ Peircings/ and or Hair. When I already have a fantastic lad who's busy working. Or great girl friends who really want this sexy bad boy, and me screwing him is going to destroy friendships."
that's a start... You could do some good things for you. make friends, travel, write, work on something you always wanted ( Quit Smoking perhaps ) Be a better you and in turn, meet better people.
Just don't obssess about the past...(Unless you've been really awful to some great guy and it involved cheating... write them a heartfelt apology) It paints you into a corner when you should be looking to the future.
And guilt makes you age way to fast....
Normal shouldn`t be out of control. Its a habit you`re used to, if you work with it you can move on, which is what you are doing
Saw your prose and liked it enough to come here.
Try not sleeping with anyone and see where that leads in terms of dates. Apply the 1 or 2 month rule. If he really likes you he`ll wait. If not he`ll be gone. And there is plenty you can do without having sex.
keep well