suziq

i hate it when you have those days when you can't be arsed to get dressed and go outside even though the sun is shining and you've got a ton of stuff to do.
i really miss my friends at home, i miss the way we can just sit and watch tv together. i really miss just hanging out, no one i know does this in england.
the funeral was ok, the songs were beautiful and the priest was good. it was hard though, hard to see so many people who i know loved her as much as i did and more, hard to see my friends cry, hard to see the white coffin. i had this urge to swear every time your name was mentioned. i wanted to kick and scream, hard and loud enough for it to reach through whatever separates us. i wanted you to hear and understand how hurt i am, how sad i am, how angry i am. but i was just sat there with tears in my eyes, shaking.
i can finally sleep now. but my stomache still aches. the images still don't match, you're so alive but they tell me you're dead. in my dreams i always turn around one second to late, there's this slightly lighter space where i know you were standing as if you have taken the colors with you. i can sense the echo of your smile.
i can't believe you did this to us.