Strange little passages from my personal journal. I did this thing called "the artists way" a few years ago. And the only thing that I kept up was an exercise she has readers do where they write first thing in the morning. I have been getting kind of a kick out of reading my dramatic and strange first thoughts. This is some of the ones that I thought would be good to share, as I am trying out making myself more vulnerable.
Since I write it for myself I don't check spelling or grammar. sorry.
I am, by my nature, more actress then model. Though almost all my acting is subtle and strange, fakeing accents at the grocery store, pretending boring stories are funny, treating important people like they are kids like me (this works surprisingly well, rich people love being talked down to, and love free shit) I am mostly by my nature, a liar. I wish I was Mark Twain so that it would be charming, but I am not.
The dentist says I grind my teeth in my sleep, but I do it when I'm awake. I am much more upset then anybody knows. Like the james bond of hurt feelings and rage. I am gonna have flat long neck dinosaur teeth, maybe eating leaves will calm me down.
Fat fat fat fat, how can i love my body and hate everything that my body makes people think about me. SG is bad for my body image, Sometimes I look at these girls, these women who are my friends and think "I will never be beautiful" "I would be happier and turned on and wanted and sexy if I just....." and though I know its dumb more things in my life tell me that then not. Its not their fault, they can't help it that they are everything that someone I want wants, but I still am a mess in their presence of their pictures. I know that people they want don't want me. I know that (though its not true) they never feel as rejected as I do. Their lovers want them, or girls that look like them but with red hair. They aren't rejected not just as a person but as an archtype
List 22 dream things that I think showed up last night.
olive oil
red
Greece
Mazes
hoofs
blue leather
rubber
herbs
Hows that for a sad and strange and ugly little blog?
Do you keep a journal? Who (or what) knows your worst and dumbest thoughts?
Usually I take a look through my old journals when they start to collect dust on my shelf and sometimes I keep them, and sometimes, I burn the evidence, and in a way, that is kind of therapeutic- saying goodbye to the past and bad times, and welcoming the future. I agree with talamia- it is incredibly brave to share snippets of your personal thoughts here- and I commend you for it.
BTW- I think you are gorgeous and I totally understand how you feel in the SG community sometimes- its good to know I'm not alone. The difference is I have been too chicken to put myself out there.