supernovice

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain; it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me...
It's funny how quickly one can reinsert themselves into a self-destructive atmosphere. Last night I met up with one of the guys who just got back from Afghanistan. He had "that look" - the one where you can't really be sure if what's happening is real or not. His girlfriend (a long-time friend of yours truly) picked him up at the airport and brought him straight to the bar - probably not the best idea, but... - he looked like I must have looked a week ago. A bit puzzled and confused, it seemed. We work together but I haven't seen him in nine months, he having gone to the 'stan and I to Iraq, and it was nice to see a familiar face and be there to welcome him home. I told him they did a great job and bought a round of drinks for all invovled. In a matter of minutes we were like "old times" and proceeded to get shitty and laugh and be boisterous, like we boys do. I don't know why I mention it, really, just seemed important - I think because I now know why everyone was asking me "what's wrong?" last week; he looked like someone who had been in an accident. Of course I didn't say anything to him along those lines, not that I didn't want him to know he didn't look normal, like the friend that doesn't tell you that you have a booger hanging from a nostril or a poppy seed between your teeth, but because I know it will pass and how badly it pissed me off last week... If I had a dime for every time I heard "what's wrong" in the last few days I'd be rich. The situation is unfair to everyone - there are no simple explanations and it just sucks to endure. Time... Just need a little time... Why do people say "I'll make time to do that"? You can't make time. You get what you get and that's it - nada, no more. You can't "make" the shit; just spend it more wisely. I suppose that's what they mean and I am surely not the first person to mark the distinction, but the next time someone says that, do correct them.

Yo he estado aqui muchas veces antes y regreso...
I feel a little out of synch with everything, basically. I made some commitments while I was away that may have been a little too ambitious, on my part. Just trying to pick up the pieces and take care of everyone; making sure no one is treated unfairly, yet no one is miserable at the same time. It's hard. Isn't it funny, the roles people play and repeat? Always the needy one or always the one that's taking responsibility for everything... I wish we had a "role reversal" day where everyone had to participate and you'd assume your opposite, just for a day. Then they'd understand, right? Yeah, then they'd see. I can't even imagine what that would be like: to be pampered... And to think that you would finally know what it's like to consider me with every single thought and every single decision about every single thing is inconceivable. Fuck it. Not gonna happen, so head back to the grindstone, shoulders forward, stare at the ground and drive on. I could never let you down.

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said. It would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming...
I seem to have forgotten how much maintenance relationships with everyone need. Sometimes I think "Holy shit, how can you expect so much of me?", but then I realize, this is what I left them with and this is what they expect once I've returned. Damn, was that me? I guess so. Can't I just say I'd give my life for you and that be enough? No? Okay, I'll try harder. Not quite sure what you expect, but I'll do my best not to disappoint...

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feeel that I might break.
Out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
casue I can't read your rolling eyes...
I'm starting to get used to "the interrogation" whenever I come home, and that's something I always said I'd never tolerate - so that pisses me off. Not that I have one, but that I tolerate it and expect it and prepare for it. Totally sucks, but what do you do? I'd do the same shit, but it's fucking annoying. Like, if I had anything to hide, it wouldn't be so bad - I'd have an agenda and try to be sneaky and have to worry about not getting caught in lies and shit - but I've nothing, so it just pisses me off and fills me with indignation.


JP came down this past weekend and it was killer. I fucking love that guy. We always have so much fun together - never had a cross word - ever. That speaks for itself. How many friends do you have that you have never once had a disagreement with? I'm lucky to have people like that in my life; they don't come around often. We did our usual, dinners, drinks, general dibauchery. Cost me a fortune, but it was worth it. I'd post photos, but the only one that we have with the two of us in it, he has a fucking goofy look on his face... He'd never forgive me if that made it to the internet and I wouldn't do that to him...