supernovice

Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere...just floating, being.
And I think, on occasion, that a child might be nice - that it would give me a greater sense of purpose. And though I think that's true, it's a selfish reason. One day I'll know where I'm heading (I hope). Or maybe that's an illusion, too. Maybe I'm already there and I don't even realize it. Who knows? Just be happy in this moment, right? Here and now? I guess that's all one can do.
And when you think of it like that, how can we need anything more?
Of course, over the past several months I've been gradually regaining that urge for independence I had when I first started college. Hearing "Drive In Drive Out" reminded me of that inner murmur to be alone again, on my own, doing my own thing all myself. And I have these mini-plans tucked away inside the coat pocket of my mind: of breaking away, going off alone to some bigger city like Chicago or Seattle, starting over at Ground Zero....
It makes me smile to myself and feel sunny just to imagine it! To no longer need this crutch. To be my own. To truly be alone... How would that be? I've never been alone before. Never stood solely on my own. And the thought is so sweet, like "candy to my soul", and I want it so much... But do I dare? If no, then why? What do I have to be afraid of? What obligations could I possibly have to fulfill...other than the one to my own self?
Freedom: a paradox of elation and dread.
But, "if you're a good person with a good attitude"...how can I be anything less than successful?
Satan, I want it so much I could bounce! And I think I will...!