So I'm writing this from the girl's computer.
With the exception of me going to work on Friday, and a stretch this morning where I was downstairs playing some Grand Theft Auto while she was up here resting and doing internetty things (finally playing some GTA, I might add), we've spent basically every moment together, and never more than a few inches apart, since I brought her home.
It's been an intense weekend.
In some ways, going through an extremely difficult experience like this is almost easier than what you go through when you finally reach the end stages. When everything was terrifying and difficult and I was so tired and I hurt so badly, it was like when you 'hit the wall' in a workout. Once you push through that, you feel as though you can go on forever, and you can ignore how hard the effort is. All you have to do is keep going.
But when the pressure lets up and you stop... you suddenly become ext remely aware of everything you'd been carrying with you, and, without the need to keep yourself steeled against the pressure, it crushes you in one final blast.
And as terrifying as all of this has been just hoping and praying and begging that she would be okay, the entire rest of my life basically blew up around me. I managed to hurt (some might go so far as to say betray) the best friend I've ever had, and got to be a hypocrite and an asshole to her in the process. The best friend I've had in the two years since I moved here will probably never speak to me again, unless it's to announce that he's about to break all kinds of parts of me. He would definitely use the word 'betrayal'. My professional life went to hell in an extremely complicated way, and I'm left without any viable defense against a battery of charges, and no matter who well equipped I am to make a defense, doing so would involve 'rocking the boat', and a gentle current would be enough to sweep me overboard. I've burned up a lot of currency with many of the people that I know, as have they with me.
In a way, I wish that I'd kept this journal more anonymous, so that I could at least have a forum to vent my side of this whole experience, but this is my lot, and I have to deal with it.
I got swept up in a lot of things that were totally beyond my control. Some of the challenges I'm facing are understandable, while others are simply vicious attacks. It's not merely my friends and colleagues who have been musing about concepts of betrayal.
My ex (the aforementioned 'best friend I've ever had', and fortunately the one person with whom I think it will be very easy to mend things) gave me an excellent piece of advice. She said something to the effect that (and pardon me if I'm repeating myself) one of the few remaining true personal freedoms is to choose how we respond to a difficult situation. The only thing I had any control over in this terrifying, terrifying series of ordeals was my ability to be there for the girl. I did the very best job that I could at that, I think. And I'd like to hold out enough faith in karma to think that if I tried to be good at that, maybe some of the other things would line themselves up and I might come through this all right, somehow.
Some things will mend easily. Some I trust will blow over in time, even if it means swallowing a bitter mouthfull of pride because pride will not make my car payments. Some things have changed forever in ways I'm very sad about, and some things may have changed forever in the best possible ways.
In the next little while, I may give a more complete backstory on everything. Some of you have asked questions along the way that I didn't feel up to answering, but more importantly, I think I have a lot of stuff that I need to get out, get organized, and try to make some kind of sense of.
It's really been quite an amazing month. Again, I genuinely appreciated every expression of care, concern, and support. You guys fucking rock, and don't ever let anybody tell you different.
The biggest lesson that I've learned throughout all of this is exactly how much of life is completely beyond our control, no matter how much we like to lull ourselves into thinking otherwise. The best we can do is to try and make the best of the situations we're in, amd between faith, hope, and love, try to find a path that at the end of it all will leave us satisfied that we tried our best.
In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut:
Poo-tee-weet?
After all... what do you say after a massacre?
I think I might be babbling. I'm going to go curl up on the couch with my girl and play some more Grand Theft Auto. Then we're going to go out driving in the sun, and spend the night at my place. Tomorrow, I will wake up next to her again, feeling just a bit more whole than I did today, and then I will start putting out some other fires, mending some broken relationships, and try to build up my comfortable illusion of control once again.
With the exception of me going to work on Friday, and a stretch this morning where I was downstairs playing some Grand Theft Auto while she was up here resting and doing internetty things (finally playing some GTA, I might add), we've spent basically every moment together, and never more than a few inches apart, since I brought her home.
It's been an intense weekend.
In some ways, going through an extremely difficult experience like this is almost easier than what you go through when you finally reach the end stages. When everything was terrifying and difficult and I was so tired and I hurt so badly, it was like when you 'hit the wall' in a workout. Once you push through that, you feel as though you can go on forever, and you can ignore how hard the effort is. All you have to do is keep going.
But when the pressure lets up and you stop... you suddenly become ext remely aware of everything you'd been carrying with you, and, without the need to keep yourself steeled against the pressure, it crushes you in one final blast.
And as terrifying as all of this has been just hoping and praying and begging that she would be okay, the entire rest of my life basically blew up around me. I managed to hurt (some might go so far as to say betray) the best friend I've ever had, and got to be a hypocrite and an asshole to her in the process. The best friend I've had in the two years since I moved here will probably never speak to me again, unless it's to announce that he's about to break all kinds of parts of me. He would definitely use the word 'betrayal'. My professional life went to hell in an extremely complicated way, and I'm left without any viable defense against a battery of charges, and no matter who well equipped I am to make a defense, doing so would involve 'rocking the boat', and a gentle current would be enough to sweep me overboard. I've burned up a lot of currency with many of the people that I know, as have they with me.
In a way, I wish that I'd kept this journal more anonymous, so that I could at least have a forum to vent my side of this whole experience, but this is my lot, and I have to deal with it.
I got swept up in a lot of things that were totally beyond my control. Some of the challenges I'm facing are understandable, while others are simply vicious attacks. It's not merely my friends and colleagues who have been musing about concepts of betrayal.
My ex (the aforementioned 'best friend I've ever had', and fortunately the one person with whom I think it will be very easy to mend things) gave me an excellent piece of advice. She said something to the effect that (and pardon me if I'm repeating myself) one of the few remaining true personal freedoms is to choose how we respond to a difficult situation. The only thing I had any control over in this terrifying, terrifying series of ordeals was my ability to be there for the girl. I did the very best job that I could at that, I think. And I'd like to hold out enough faith in karma to think that if I tried to be good at that, maybe some of the other things would line themselves up and I might come through this all right, somehow.
Some things will mend easily. Some I trust will blow over in time, even if it means swallowing a bitter mouthfull of pride because pride will not make my car payments. Some things have changed forever in ways I'm very sad about, and some things may have changed forever in the best possible ways.
In the next little while, I may give a more complete backstory on everything. Some of you have asked questions along the way that I didn't feel up to answering, but more importantly, I think I have a lot of stuff that I need to get out, get organized, and try to make some kind of sense of.
It's really been quite an amazing month. Again, I genuinely appreciated every expression of care, concern, and support. You guys fucking rock, and don't ever let anybody tell you different.
The biggest lesson that I've learned throughout all of this is exactly how much of life is completely beyond our control, no matter how much we like to lull ourselves into thinking otherwise. The best we can do is to try and make the best of the situations we're in, amd between faith, hope, and love, try to find a path that at the end of it all will leave us satisfied that we tried our best.
In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut:
Poo-tee-weet?
After all... what do you say after a massacre?
I think I might be babbling. I'm going to go curl up on the couch with my girl and play some more Grand Theft Auto. Then we're going to go out driving in the sun, and spend the night at my place. Tomorrow, I will wake up next to her again, feeling just a bit more whole than I did today, and then I will start putting out some other fires, mending some broken relationships, and try to build up my comfortable illusion of control once again.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
"My ex (the aforementioned 'best friend I've ever had', and fortunately the one person with whom I think it will be very easy to mend things"
...this is