Ugh. Distressing dreams about being "me" last night.
I was in a movie theatre w/my mom and dad, maybe some aunts and uncles and my grandpa (dad's dad...I've never really like him you know). The theatre was filled with rows of metal chairs instead of comfy seats. We were in the back so could see everything. I was talking to my dad, I don't remember about what. Grandpa was sitting a row in front of us and to the right. But he had turned his body so he was facing us, but had his head in his right hand in an expression of disbelief.
I knew it was because he thought I was talking too loud, but I just kept going. He said something like "Do you have to be so loud?" and I looked at him and said "Look. I know my voice carries. I have a strong, assertive voice and it serves me well." He seemed to show doubt at this, like it couldn't possibly ALWAYS be a good thing. I just ignored the look...cause he was right but I didn't want him to have an edge...and kept going. "I'm not going to lower the tone of my voice just because you think it's too loud." Through this whole monologue my mom was sitting to the left of me and she kept interjecting with "yeah" or "that's right", much like a big black lady who encourages a skinny white preacher through a fervered lecture.
I felt pretty good about myself and didn't hold any ill will towards grandpa, but dad was nervous and said something like "I need to get you out of here." (He's always been intimidated by grandpa...did I mention I don't like grandpa?) So we went to a restaurant and sat at a round table near an amber colored stained glass window to talk plans. Mom and dad were going to stay at a mountain resort, but they wanted to have an extra car for my brother just in case they should get into an argument and he needed to leave.
I told my parents that if they thought they might have an argument, that maybe they shouldn't go. Dead, angry silence. So I said "Ok now you're really mad. Well maybe you should look inside yourself and ask if you're mad at me for telling the truth, or if you are mad at yourself because it IS the truth." Again, I felt pretty satisfied, but no one was talking to me. The isolation of the righteous big mouth felt sickening.
I was in a movie theatre w/my mom and dad, maybe some aunts and uncles and my grandpa (dad's dad...I've never really like him you know). The theatre was filled with rows of metal chairs instead of comfy seats. We were in the back so could see everything. I was talking to my dad, I don't remember about what. Grandpa was sitting a row in front of us and to the right. But he had turned his body so he was facing us, but had his head in his right hand in an expression of disbelief.
I knew it was because he thought I was talking too loud, but I just kept going. He said something like "Do you have to be so loud?" and I looked at him and said "Look. I know my voice carries. I have a strong, assertive voice and it serves me well." He seemed to show doubt at this, like it couldn't possibly ALWAYS be a good thing. I just ignored the look...cause he was right but I didn't want him to have an edge...and kept going. "I'm not going to lower the tone of my voice just because you think it's too loud." Through this whole monologue my mom was sitting to the left of me and she kept interjecting with "yeah" or "that's right", much like a big black lady who encourages a skinny white preacher through a fervered lecture.
I felt pretty good about myself and didn't hold any ill will towards grandpa, but dad was nervous and said something like "I need to get you out of here." (He's always been intimidated by grandpa...did I mention I don't like grandpa?) So we went to a restaurant and sat at a round table near an amber colored stained glass window to talk plans. Mom and dad were going to stay at a mountain resort, but they wanted to have an extra car for my brother just in case they should get into an argument and he needed to leave.
I told my parents that if they thought they might have an argument, that maybe they shouldn't go. Dead, angry silence. So I said "Ok now you're really mad. Well maybe you should look inside yourself and ask if you're mad at me for telling the truth, or if you are mad at yourself because it IS the truth." Again, I felt pretty satisfied, but no one was talking to me. The isolation of the righteous big mouth felt sickening.