superfall

Why am so hung up on getting past Amy? I'm paranoid any time I drive near that end of town, which I have to because I work less than a mile away on the same road she does. Not a day goes by when I think about her. Yet any time I run across an old e-mail or someone calls her replacement at work by her name my heart stops and my stomach drops.

I don't feel anger even though she almost cost me my job. I don't feel anger even though she used me. I don't feel anger even though she embarassed, and ridiculed, and belittled me behind my back. I even feel like I would take her back.

What makes me such a pussy in this case? I was used, betrayed, vilified, lied about, embarassed, and humiliated before my friends and peers by her. I danced to the tune she played. In spite of realizing she whored herself for a setllement she came out the victor.

I blame my almost constant state of depression on her, my lack of motivation, my lack of will power, my smoking and more on her. Then I feel guilt because I tend to run to depression, I tend to be lazy when I don't have a specific job to do, I've never had the best will power, and I've been a social smoker for years. Yet why should I feel guilty? I've never run in such a constant run of depression for so long before, I would at least go out on a day off and I have usually kept a clean house since I've been married and then on my own, while I was with her I could make myself go to the gym almost every day, and I never smoked every day like I started to do after her false accusations.