I've been meaning to write about this for a week. I had quite a vivid dream. For some reason I was way up in a metal tower. Like the ones they put out tv and radio signals from. I was dressed in a suit and just below me was my boss Len. He was also dressed in a suit. I was surrounded by grey like it was storming and I could feel the wind buffeting my body. For some reason Len and I were trying to attach a metal plate. He was reaching up and holding a bolt or nut and I was on a ladder on the outside of the structure reaching down to tighten the bolt. The feeling of sheer terror was amazing. I could feel myself clutching at the metal rungs and thinking to myself " just take it one step at a time. Always have one hand or arm wrapped around the ladder and don't think about falling". When I woke up, it was with a gasp and a feeling like I had been jarred. I have no idea what it meant. It didn't have that feeling of precognistic dreaming like I sometimes have. It seemed more open to interpretation. It still disturbs me when I think of it a week later.

Starting tomorrow, Monday, I am going to see how long I can go without rubbing one out. It will probably make me cranky, but I want to see if I can do it. Normally I rub one out twice a day or more. Also, I smoked my last cigarette Saturday morning. I actually threw out my last smoke on Friday, but a coworker offered me one Saturday morning and I didn't turn him down. That will add to my crankiness to come.

I feel a deep yearning for companionship. While my desire is for Amy, I doubt its happening more and more as time goes by. I feel a need to share my time and my explorations with someone. I'm not even talking about a lover, just a friend. I've never been one to collect a lot friends. The few I have are good ones. No matter what happens, I hope Amy realizes that I think of her as one of my few friends. Even though I like to hang with Len and David Jr from work when the opportunity arises, I don't talk about deep down stuff with them. I've opened myselft up to Amy more than anyone else since Amy in Florida.