superfall

I'm feeling frustrated. I don't know what to do about it. I think a large part of it is that I'm tired of catching up on my finances and I'm ready to start to enjoy myself a little bit. The only problem is I'm still catching up on my finances. I want to get a couch (although Amy pointed out to me that it's a great gimick to get someone into bed by only having the bed to relax on to watch movies ), I want to get a bed for my spair bedroom so I can have friends and family over, I want to travel around the area and check out the sights, etc. However, even when I check out the sights, I'm alone and that sucks.

I'm lost about Amy. We still have a connection I feel, and we flirt still. However, I need to let go I guess. I know I keep hoping against hope that she'll change her mind. However, we no longer have our "heart to heart" midnight phone calls, in fact most of our phone calls are short and left at "I gotta go, call ya back shortly" which rarely happens. I think that Amy just doesn't see me as more than a friend, but she is too nice to tell me to keep my x-rated flirting to myself.

I still fantasize about her, and not just about sex. I dream of us going on trips and doing family type things together. Maybe that's what happened, I was too far too fast. Either way I need to move forward. It won't help if II do meet someone else and I call out Amy's name during sex. I still find myself calling her name out when I rub one out and for some reason it makes that moment more potent. Is it the alure of something unobtainable that makes it so hard to let go and so much fun to fantasize about? All I know is I haven't been able to quite smoking since the breakup.