I had a bit of an epiphany today. For the first time I'm starting to feel at peace with my relationship, or non relationship, with Amy. I'm not renewing my subscriptions to the online dating sites. I'm not really ready and I'm not really interested. If I meet someone, then I do, until then there's no reason to ride an emotional rollercoaster everytime I send out an e-mail or a wink. Plus I'm tired of the only people that I hear from on those sites being those that I'm not attracted to. I'm not asking for a beauty queen, but I do have to be attracted to the person.
As for Amy and me. I'm willing to make it just flirtatious friends. She can have me whenever she wants by just asking. Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her. However, I'd smother her if I was with her as much as I want to be. That doesn't mean I'm not still sexually attracted to her as well. I still can't rub one out without calling her name.
I'll still let her know that as well until she tells me to stop. I pray that someday she'll start to feel for me how I feel for her and will let down her guard enough that we can have a relationship that could lead to something. When I think of her (which is constantly) I still ache. However, I know that she still calls me and texts me and we can kid around and flirt so I know she's not rejecting me totally. If someone else comes along for either of us, then it's just friends. If she changes her mind, I'm hers for the asking. She thinks I'm joking, but I would get on a plane with her tomorrow for Vegas to get married if she would say yes.
This past show really brought it home. I didn't see her for a week. Even when I was around beautiful women at the casino and clubs I kept comparing them to her and couldn't even spark any interest to try and flirt or talk to anyone. My dreams were for her (which were awkward considering I was sharing a room with another guy). I don't know what I would do if we didn't work together. At least that way I can talk to her most days even if I'm not in the office. Without that I don't know what I would do.
I gave her the keys to my car and my apartment while I was gone. She said she had a hard time driving my car. I find it hard now because it seems that we've shared something intimate by her driving my car. She kept trying to kid me about my car being impounded or my apartment being trashed. However I would never have given her my keys if I didn't trust her completely. I know that if anything bad had happened for real she would have called me and she would have been as upset about it as I would be. While I've lent my car to friends before, I've never given my house key to anyone while I wasn't there except when I was married. I don't really know if she realizes how much I trust her or what she thinks of it if she does. I just know that she would never purposely try to hurt me. I think that's one reason that I'm willing to wait. That's what it is, a waiting game. Will she change her mind or will one of us find someone new that will be "the one" I know it will be hard for me if she finds someone first. I'll cross that bridge when and if it happens. She's a beautiful woman and I know there will always be men trying for her affection. I guess I'm one more.
As for Amy and me. I'm willing to make it just flirtatious friends. She can have me whenever she wants by just asking. Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her. However, I'd smother her if I was with her as much as I want to be. That doesn't mean I'm not still sexually attracted to her as well. I still can't rub one out without calling her name.
I'll still let her know that as well until she tells me to stop. I pray that someday she'll start to feel for me how I feel for her and will let down her guard enough that we can have a relationship that could lead to something. When I think of her (which is constantly) I still ache. However, I know that she still calls me and texts me and we can kid around and flirt so I know she's not rejecting me totally. If someone else comes along for either of us, then it's just friends. If she changes her mind, I'm hers for the asking. She thinks I'm joking, but I would get on a plane with her tomorrow for Vegas to get married if she would say yes.
This past show really brought it home. I didn't see her for a week. Even when I was around beautiful women at the casino and clubs I kept comparing them to her and couldn't even spark any interest to try and flirt or talk to anyone. My dreams were for her (which were awkward considering I was sharing a room with another guy). I don't know what I would do if we didn't work together. At least that way I can talk to her most days even if I'm not in the office. Without that I don't know what I would do.
I gave her the keys to my car and my apartment while I was gone. She said she had a hard time driving my car. I find it hard now because it seems that we've shared something intimate by her driving my car. She kept trying to kid me about my car being impounded or my apartment being trashed. However I would never have given her my keys if I didn't trust her completely. I know that if anything bad had happened for real she would have called me and she would have been as upset about it as I would be. While I've lent my car to friends before, I've never given my house key to anyone while I wasn't there except when I was married. I don't really know if she realizes how much I trust her or what she thinks of it if she does. I just know that she would never purposely try to hurt me. I think that's one reason that I'm willing to wait. That's what it is, a waiting game. Will she change her mind or will one of us find someone new that will be "the one" I know it will be hard for me if she finds someone first. I'll cross that bridge when and if it happens. She's a beautiful woman and I know there will always be men trying for her affection. I guess I'm one more.