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superfall

Kissimmee, Florida

Member Since 2006

Followers 27 Following 48

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Sunday Mar 16, 2008

Mar 16, 2008
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I feel in the bit of a dillema. I am really crazy about Amy. It's not just that she's beautiful. It's also that she has spunk, she likes to go her own way, she's intelligent, she's a good mother and she is concerned about others especially if they are close to her. This is also part of what brings me to my dillema. I really don't know where I sit with her. Before now I haven't wanted to push to talk about us because she's had so much going on. Now that things seem to have calmed down a little we haven't had time alone together to talk.

I find myself starting to get impatient. Then I chide myself because I told her that I was perfectly willing to wait and be patient for her. However, I think it's the uncertainty that has brought my dissatisfaction with the situation. If she just sees me as a friend with benefits or someone to fill in for a time, then that's not what I'm looking for. If that's the case, then I'd just as soon be friends and I'll move on. If she sees us going further, but needs time first, I can continue being patient.

I think about other people she has dated in the past and wondered if they accepted so many conditions? It's not that I want all of her time to be about me. I just want to be part of her time whether it's with her son or friends. I feel somewhat at a dissadvantage because my friends up here are all work related, so if I were to invite her to things (parties, dinners, etc.) she would just be around work people who she isn't comfortable knowing her personal business. I understand that, so I don't bring it up. I still feel hurt that I don't know where she lives. I respect her reasons why, but that doesn't mean it has to be a total secret.

Am I being unfair? Am I being too demanding? Am I being too timid? Amy is who I want to be with. It's not that I don't think I couldn't find someone else or I'm settling. I want to be with her. I would love to have a future with her. I can't put into words everything I admire about her. I only need a little encouragement and I'm hers. However, without that I wonder am I wasting my time? I find my weekends without her bringing on depression. If she gets a job somewhere else and I don't get to see her during the week, what will that do? If that's the case and I can only get to see her on rare instances then I think we'll have to rethink our situation. As crazy as I am about her, I'd rather cut loose before I become totally obsessed. The last time I let myself totally feel for someone, it took more than a year to get over. I don't want to go through that again if I can help it.

I also wonder if my impatience is because I'm feeling the pressures of time. I want a family. Having children was always a requirement for anyone I would let myself become interested in. Amy was the first woman that I was willing to put that consideration to the side for. I was and am perfectly willing to have just her and be as good a father to her son as I can be and be content. If she is willing to have more children (which she says she is) then that's great, but not necessary. I don't know what else to say than that.

I was looking at fishing equipment last week. I enjoy fishing, but it's boring by ones self. Then I got to thinking that I've made comments to the effect that I look forward to fishing with her and her son and going to the shore with them, but I was never really invited. That realization made me feel like an ass for inviting myself along.

Irregardless, this summer will be different than last. For one thing, I won't be new in my position so I won't feel I have to prove myself by being in the office every Saturday. Second, I'm a little more confident in getting around up here so I plan to take some short trips when and where I can.

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