Things are getting hectic at work. It seems everyone has a project or work that needs to be done right now. I'm still not as stressed as I was when I was working in the Albertsons office in Florida, but I am feeling a little bit of the tension.
I question myself and double question myself too much when it comes to being in a relationship. I married the first person I ever dated and stayed married for eight years. At the time of my marriage (after dating for two years) we were both still virgins. During the entire course of our marriage we only had sex 9 times and that was in the first two years of our marriage. During that time I noticed then that there were aspects that I wasn't comfortable with, I guess mainly because I had never been exposed to them. Shortly after we were married my ex-wife got upset because I didn't litterally tear her clothes off. This was a woman whose most used word was no. No PDA, no oral, no touching (except for the full body massages she demanded every night), don't look at her funny, don't say anything, and if it took longer than three minutes it was "come on, hurry up, it hurts!". This has lead to me always being paranoid when it comes to being intimate with someone. The only time I feel comfortable with doing what I feel is if I really don't care about the person I'm with which causes a catch 22 because it makes me bungling and awkward in front of the person that I do care for.
Because of my conditions (diabetes, epilepsy, obesity) sex is hard for me. I have a mind and an imagination that is of a Cassanova level, but in practice I have trouble keeping an erection, I second guess myself on how far I can go (mainly because when I was married, if I made one mistake, then that was it! She wasn't in the mood any longer. I now realize that was just an excuse, but I'm still "trained" that way). I've found very few women that are willing to vocalize during sex (and even fewer before sex) about what they like. I've read extensively to try and pick up techniques that seem to fit the bill and alternates for various anatomical variences. I think once it comes to actually performing I do well. However, the dance, or game as it were, that leads up to that is something I'm still clueless on. I am lousy at riddles, hints, inuendo. My insecurity makes me overly cautious to offend. It's a big step just for me to be able to hold and caress someone. To go beyond that puts me borderline to stressed out. Once that initial hurdle is reached I'm a little less uptight. I like to think that if someone wants to be with me, then they want to be with me, not that they want to be "tricked" into it. It sometimes seems to me with some I've been with, that they want to have a clear consciouce. "I didn't do it, I gave in. He insisted." Which leaves me with a vague sense of guilt. Again, experience is teaching me that this is a rule in the "game", but that doesn't mean I like it and it doesn't mean that I don't carry needless guilt for a while.
I was raised to be a gentleman, and I hope that I am. Sometimes I falter, mainly out of ignorance, but for the most part I try to treat a woman with respect and courtesy. I guess I take it a little too far and let the women that have been in my life dictate to me. That is why I find myself so attracted to strong women. However, after years of being used, I find in myself that I fall most easily for those who don't make demands of me. In my mind it makes me think that they are with me because they want to be, not because I can provide them things or do things. Which is why I want to do things for that person or get things for that person, because I don't have to and I haven't been asked. That probably makes no sense, but considering some of the users that I've been with, it's nice to be with someone who isn't.
I question myself and double question myself too much when it comes to being in a relationship. I married the first person I ever dated and stayed married for eight years. At the time of my marriage (after dating for two years) we were both still virgins. During the entire course of our marriage we only had sex 9 times and that was in the first two years of our marriage. During that time I noticed then that there were aspects that I wasn't comfortable with, I guess mainly because I had never been exposed to them. Shortly after we were married my ex-wife got upset because I didn't litterally tear her clothes off. This was a woman whose most used word was no. No PDA, no oral, no touching (except for the full body massages she demanded every night), don't look at her funny, don't say anything, and if it took longer than three minutes it was "come on, hurry up, it hurts!". This has lead to me always being paranoid when it comes to being intimate with someone. The only time I feel comfortable with doing what I feel is if I really don't care about the person I'm with which causes a catch 22 because it makes me bungling and awkward in front of the person that I do care for.
Because of my conditions (diabetes, epilepsy, obesity) sex is hard for me. I have a mind and an imagination that is of a Cassanova level, but in practice I have trouble keeping an erection, I second guess myself on how far I can go (mainly because when I was married, if I made one mistake, then that was it! She wasn't in the mood any longer. I now realize that was just an excuse, but I'm still "trained" that way). I've found very few women that are willing to vocalize during sex (and even fewer before sex) about what they like. I've read extensively to try and pick up techniques that seem to fit the bill and alternates for various anatomical variences. I think once it comes to actually performing I do well. However, the dance, or game as it were, that leads up to that is something I'm still clueless on. I am lousy at riddles, hints, inuendo. My insecurity makes me overly cautious to offend. It's a big step just for me to be able to hold and caress someone. To go beyond that puts me borderline to stressed out. Once that initial hurdle is reached I'm a little less uptight. I like to think that if someone wants to be with me, then they want to be with me, not that they want to be "tricked" into it. It sometimes seems to me with some I've been with, that they want to have a clear consciouce. "I didn't do it, I gave in. He insisted." Which leaves me with a vague sense of guilt. Again, experience is teaching me that this is a rule in the "game", but that doesn't mean I like it and it doesn't mean that I don't carry needless guilt for a while.
I was raised to be a gentleman, and I hope that I am. Sometimes I falter, mainly out of ignorance, but for the most part I try to treat a woman with respect and courtesy. I guess I take it a little too far and let the women that have been in my life dictate to me. That is why I find myself so attracted to strong women. However, after years of being used, I find in myself that I fall most easily for those who don't make demands of me. In my mind it makes me think that they are with me because they want to be, not because I can provide them things or do things. Which is why I want to do things for that person or get things for that person, because I don't have to and I haven't been asked. That probably makes no sense, but considering some of the users that I've been with, it's nice to be with someone who isn't.