I feel slightly lost. I am really falling for amy (the girl from my previous blogs). I find her witty, fun, beautiful, honest, and family oriented. I guess I'm jealous because of that family loyalty that I'm not part of it. One of the things I love most about her is her commitment to her son and her other family. However, I yearn to earn some of that loyalty. All I can do is try and support her and help her when I can and if she'll let me. I understand that a relationship of weeks takes a far backseat to family relationships of a life. I'm very loyal to my family, but admitidly they don't make much demands on my time.

We haven't had a time of just us. Or at least not one that I was so timitd as to let most of the time lapse without making a move. When we have had time we've been too drunk, too tired, too timit, or called away to be able to just enjoy each other.

She mentioned that she is getting things lined up to find another job in January. This sent a knife through my heart. I admit that I'd love to be able to be open with our relationship. However, the way things have gone the only time I really get to see her is at work and that isn't often. In my heart I want the best for her and the position she is in is really a dead end. I want her to advance. I also want her to go back to school because I know how necessary that is to advance. She mentioned that she was thinking of it and It was one bit of happiness in what was a shocking statement.

I find her hard to read. Is she a tease? Yes, but in play I think and not hurtful. Is it a form of foreplay for her? Maybe. I'm not a big one for long drawn out teasing of the sexual nature. My frustration often leads me to be make an ass of myself. The one night when we spent sober and together I feel some regret. I feel like a basically raped her by forcing myself on her over her protests. I didn't hold her down or beat her, but I know she wasn't into it and only submitted because of my pressuring her. Even then in the middle she "freaked out" and I stopped. It was heaven to finally be able to know her so intimately. However, the guilt of that night stays with me. I think it will stay until we are able to actually be together as a couple.

She always keeps some clothes on to cover herself. I long to see her naked. To take in all of her bare skin and her parts as a whole. I know she has some self image issues, but I don't see them. She is beautiful. That is one thing that makes me really regret having to keep this a secret, because I want to go out with her on my arm as if to proudly proclaim "She's with me, aren't you jealous?!"

This has been a rather selfish rant, but that's what a blog is about isn't it? A personal diary posted for all to see?