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Fuck all that

Member Since 2004

Followers 64 Following 24

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Friday Dec 17, 2004

Dec 17, 2004
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I am PMS-ing this week which always sucks, but it really really sucks when it's right before Christmas cuz it makes everything seem more dramatic in an already dramatic season.

And then yesterday I was reading "1984" at work. (I read most of it in jr. high but it was way too huge of a concept for me to completely appreciate it.) Now, if you don't already know, I have panic disorder. any number of things can trigger me into a state of anxiety. And with all my hormones at ridiculous levels, being crouched in the storage room with that book was not a good idea. I felt this horrible dread and started imagining that I was gonna get fired, or some other awful thing was going to happen. Then the bartender that was coming in early for me so I could go to Gage's Christmas performance called and said the freeway was at a standstill. I might miss his first recital!! At that point the small thread holding me together collapsed. I hate having panic attacks at work. But at least now-a-days I can get thru it without people noticing. In the end the girl showed up at the last minute, and I drove like James Bond thru the city streets all the way to the school and made it just in time to see the class before him go on. They were sooo cute! I would post pics but we were too far away to get anything good. They sang some song from the stupid "Wiggles" show, but Gage was one of the reindeer, Comet, and he sat on his knees in front of the other kids and bounced up and down to the music. I almost died from the cuteness of it!

Oh and Mike told me that the 15th was his mom's birthday...I forgot. I feel so bad when I forget something about her and he's all sad and I wasn't there for him. He never tells me until the next day. But the cool thing is, we were all hanging out that night (Mike , me, Gavin, Mark, Gage) and Gage started playing x-box and instead of his usual games he put in this collection of old Midway games. We've always had that CD and he's never even looked at it much less play it. There's probly 20 games on that CD and out of all of them he picked JOUST, Mike's mom's favorite game. Now if that isn't a hello from her I don't know what is. Kids hear those suggestions and are too young to think they should block them out, thank goodness. I've been so crazy lately I don't even notice when our family is around. I'm glad gage does.

I realized this morning that the kid has never had a nightmare, at least that I know of. Oh wait, there was a short period where he would get night terrors, and then I said that prayer for him that stops them and it worked. But generally, he only has good dreams. That rocks cuz I always had nightmares as a kid, especially at his age.

Wow, what a rant.....

VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
fracturedguy:
I am glad it's been all your life that you've been waiting. I always feel good when I can sense real love (another recent source: a friend got engaged), and I think it's AMAZING to imagine seeing your own child doing those things.
I'm SO glad you got to the recital.

I never had nightmares until the past couple years. I started having them, and my girlfriend stopped. It's a win-win situation, because I always felt like I was missing out.

And now they're the only interesting dreams I have.
Dec 17, 2004
jessewestend:
are you online?
Dec 18, 2004

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