sublyminull

This is a small dip into subby's head.

I have always been a fan of running away from my problems. I am scared of confrontation. I can't even stand to see two people argue. this is why i break my back to make everyone happy because that is who i am.

with that said.

after all the bullshit i've been in with relationships (if you really want to know i will tell you everything if you have a few minutes). ok. so after my ex (a little of 2 years ago) it was really hard to get over her. so i tried to fuck her away. this didn't solve anything. then i tried to drink her away and this didn't solve anything so i cut her out of my life. this seemed to work for a while but there was still something missing so i broke down and called her again and the void that i had been feeling grew bigger. So i started trying to fuck her away again. (with the same girl i was trying with before) Turns out that i ended up hurting that girl because i didn't want anything more then what we were. So i decided that my emotions were the problem. I had this great idea that i could control my emotions. so i quit having sex. this way i wouldn't hurt anyone else. I called and apologized and all that jazz. Then i decided that i need to quit surrounding myself with people that are having great relationships because that hurt me as well. I also quit going out mostly because i'm shy and partially because i am scared that i might meet someone and that would fuck up my current conquest to erase all emotion from my soul. This worked for a bit but i found that after 6 months of no sexual contact i get pissy. This is where the random came in (some of you know who this is) ok this girl was a girl that i could not have any feeling for. She is not fun to talk to, she has no personality, and she is not that great looking. chose this for a reason as i do not want to get attached. so i've quit talking to her because she started to think it's something more (remember i'm scared of relationships). So i managed to shut myself down again. (oh one thing me and this girl only had sex once. biggest mistake i've made) i can be completely numb towards everything except my anger towards myself. ok now that i have been completely numb and content with it. I meet someone who has the ability to open me back up. this is something i'll get into later

Ok as far as my anger goes is this. I have always based my happiness from my friends and family. I lost all my friends cept 3 when me and my girl broke up. ok so i still have my family whom i party with all the time because my uncle is like my older brother (hes only 4 years older than me) he is basically the one who raised me and caused this personality i have. well my parents decide to get divorced last year (which was alot harder then i thought it was going to be) due to that my whole family split up. i was unable to get my whole family together. then my grandpa decided to move to jacksonville and take my uncle and my other best friend with him. so now the family i am really close to has left me here. and my two best friends live in florida. I still have 1 friend here but it's not enough to compensate for the diminished family and the loss of 2/3rds of my friend base.

ok. now this is part my head. part of my life. maybe some othere day i'll let you into my life. possbily. there are so many angles to cover.

you prolly didn't want to know all that but i had to get it off my chest.