Hope everyone had a good July 4th. Mine was ok. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my country these days although I'm still pretty sure I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Except Australia maybe....maybe.
I found out I'm a needy person in a relationship. I hate that about myself. It's weak and I despise weakness in myself. The missing element is trust and faith, therefore I need quite a bit of assurance it would seem. Two things that are hard to come by in my life. Life experience has taught me that these things bring pain. No one should be trusted completely and even those I trust more than others should be kept at a distance. No one should ever be close enough to you to see the person inside you that you hide because they will use that against you or betray you in some form, or worse, reject you, reaffirming a lack of worth you already feel. Always maintain a composed appearance and be on the lookout for attacks from any quarter. Have no faith in people because people are weak and will let you down, always, just like you let yourself down, constantly. Never depend on anyone but yourself. Only you can be trusted to get things done that really matter to you. You are an island. You need nothing from anyone. Let no one inside, they will hurt you. No wonder I'm so goddamn needy, I wall it off and tuck it away so no one can see my weakness. And yet I find myself battling all of this for something I find worth it. But is it? What if I'm wrong?
It's hard unlearning things set in place for so many years. Sometimes I just feel broken inside. Why can't I be normal? I wish I could just stop thinking sometimes, stop trying to solve problems, analysing, asking questions. Why can't I just be like some people and just be on auto pilot and be blissfully unaware of what goes on inside me? Curse you analytical mind! You are both a gift and a burden!
There's a point which is rapidly approaching for me where some very big leaps of faith have to be made and I find myself struggling sometimes with a lot of these issues internally. These issues are compounded by other external issues which have to be dealt with also. My simple life has become increasingly complicated, yet a moment for change and growth as well for what could be a source of happiness in my life. This isn't a burden on me, or a pain in the ass, it's just life, and this is one of the times when the path is less clearly marked. I wish I knew what the future held for me.
Sorry for being so melodramatic people. It's rare so enjoy it, or not, while it lasts. I needed to get this out and I guess after a year here I don't mind opening the door just a smidge. See ya.
EDIT
Actually it's not so rare, me being melodramatic, it's just rare I share anything like this here, with you internet freaks, so lap it up freakazoids.
I found out I'm a needy person in a relationship. I hate that about myself. It's weak and I despise weakness in myself. The missing element is trust and faith, therefore I need quite a bit of assurance it would seem. Two things that are hard to come by in my life. Life experience has taught me that these things bring pain. No one should be trusted completely and even those I trust more than others should be kept at a distance. No one should ever be close enough to you to see the person inside you that you hide because they will use that against you or betray you in some form, or worse, reject you, reaffirming a lack of worth you already feel. Always maintain a composed appearance and be on the lookout for attacks from any quarter. Have no faith in people because people are weak and will let you down, always, just like you let yourself down, constantly. Never depend on anyone but yourself. Only you can be trusted to get things done that really matter to you. You are an island. You need nothing from anyone. Let no one inside, they will hurt you. No wonder I'm so goddamn needy, I wall it off and tuck it away so no one can see my weakness. And yet I find myself battling all of this for something I find worth it. But is it? What if I'm wrong?
It's hard unlearning things set in place for so many years. Sometimes I just feel broken inside. Why can't I be normal? I wish I could just stop thinking sometimes, stop trying to solve problems, analysing, asking questions. Why can't I just be like some people and just be on auto pilot and be blissfully unaware of what goes on inside me? Curse you analytical mind! You are both a gift and a burden!
There's a point which is rapidly approaching for me where some very big leaps of faith have to be made and I find myself struggling sometimes with a lot of these issues internally. These issues are compounded by other external issues which have to be dealt with also. My simple life has become increasingly complicated, yet a moment for change and growth as well for what could be a source of happiness in my life. This isn't a burden on me, or a pain in the ass, it's just life, and this is one of the times when the path is less clearly marked. I wish I knew what the future held for me.
Sorry for being so melodramatic people. It's rare so enjoy it, or not, while it lasts. I needed to get this out and I guess after a year here I don't mind opening the door just a smidge. See ya.
EDIT
Actually it's not so rare, me being melodramatic, it's just rare I share anything like this here, with you internet freaks, so lap it up freakazoids.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to erect those walls... just so long as you build in a few secret passages that only you know about. Experience gives us the perspective we need to master those moments that require a leap of faith.
i think i would love to live in canada but i dont know how i feel about those cold winters.