Spent a good couple of hours on the phone last night with Heather. (Not the g/f, the friend). Talked about a lot of stuff- romances, job problems, whatever. Ended up reflecting on how much our ideals and goals have changed over the years...
She's given me crap in the past for reflecting on this stuff, but it finally hit her, too. She sat in her basement, looking through boxes, listening to old mixtapes, reading old zines. Her own zines, my zine, old poetry she and I had written. Kill Rock Stars compilations, local bands' demos...
What would her bisexual, feminist, gothy 16-year-old self say to her now, looking at her future 28-year-old self sitting in a house, contemplating getting married to someone 30 years her senior, shopping at Ann Taylor for business clothes?
What would my asexual, gothy, 18-year-old self say to a 31-year-old who's going to school, dating a yuppie, wearing nice clothes (damn good sale at Express Men last week!), etc etc.
I like who I am now (though I think my current self could use some rest), and I liked who I was then. Heather's the same way about herself... the big question is just how the hell we got here from there?
For better or worse, our pasts ingrained the concept of "selling-out" in our heads... but the term is so ambiguous. Are we sell outs? If so, why? If not, how did we change so much?
I wonder if our changes aren't caused by our personal goals. When I was 18, I had no idea how I was going to eat or continue living beyond a given week. My goal was simply to survive, by any means necessary... I think the DIY/punk ethos served me well, and gave me a community to which I could belong, so I didn't feel like an outcast. Me against the world, with a handful of hardcore friends to back me up.
So, goal accomplished. Early on, really. I got on my own two feet... then what? Kill myself because I was "mission accomplished?" So my goals expanded a little here, a little there. Got married. Check. Moved to a bigger, more comfortable place. Check. Got divorced. Oops! Still... survived that, moved on, kept expanding my sphere to include more goals, and somewhere along the line my feeling like the world was my enemy faded.
I think that's the big thing that's changed, and I kind of miss it somewhat. It hasn't gone away completely- class-struggle chats always get heated with H.F- but it's definitely faded. I do know both she and I have become a lot more concilliatory to things like "tradition" and "community." As much value as there is in the act of rebellion, there's also value in treating those around us with respect. If I dress conservatively for a meeting, it's not just conforming to the status quo, it's showing respect to those with whom I meet, that I feel they are worth looking nice for. So, yes, I just defended "the business suit."
I guess that if I was defined solely by "me against the world," then, yeah, I've sold out.
If I was defined by the concept of never backing down, and always struggling to improve, then no, I haven't sold out.
Obviously, I kind of prefer the latter.
She's given me crap in the past for reflecting on this stuff, but it finally hit her, too. She sat in her basement, looking through boxes, listening to old mixtapes, reading old zines. Her own zines, my zine, old poetry she and I had written. Kill Rock Stars compilations, local bands' demos...
What would her bisexual, feminist, gothy 16-year-old self say to her now, looking at her future 28-year-old self sitting in a house, contemplating getting married to someone 30 years her senior, shopping at Ann Taylor for business clothes?
What would my asexual, gothy, 18-year-old self say to a 31-year-old who's going to school, dating a yuppie, wearing nice clothes (damn good sale at Express Men last week!), etc etc.
I like who I am now (though I think my current self could use some rest), and I liked who I was then. Heather's the same way about herself... the big question is just how the hell we got here from there?
For better or worse, our pasts ingrained the concept of "selling-out" in our heads... but the term is so ambiguous. Are we sell outs? If so, why? If not, how did we change so much?
I wonder if our changes aren't caused by our personal goals. When I was 18, I had no idea how I was going to eat or continue living beyond a given week. My goal was simply to survive, by any means necessary... I think the DIY/punk ethos served me well, and gave me a community to which I could belong, so I didn't feel like an outcast. Me against the world, with a handful of hardcore friends to back me up.
So, goal accomplished. Early on, really. I got on my own two feet... then what? Kill myself because I was "mission accomplished?" So my goals expanded a little here, a little there. Got married. Check. Moved to a bigger, more comfortable place. Check. Got divorced. Oops! Still... survived that, moved on, kept expanding my sphere to include more goals, and somewhere along the line my feeling like the world was my enemy faded.
I think that's the big thing that's changed, and I kind of miss it somewhat. It hasn't gone away completely- class-struggle chats always get heated with H.F- but it's definitely faded. I do know both she and I have become a lot more concilliatory to things like "tradition" and "community." As much value as there is in the act of rebellion, there's also value in treating those around us with respect. If I dress conservatively for a meeting, it's not just conforming to the status quo, it's showing respect to those with whom I meet, that I feel they are worth looking nice for. So, yes, I just defended "the business suit."
I guess that if I was defined solely by "me against the world," then, yeah, I've sold out.
If I was defined by the concept of never backing down, and always struggling to improve, then no, I haven't sold out.
Obviously, I kind of prefer the latter.