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stretchnugs

Haverhill, Mass

Member Since 2005

Followers 3 Following 8

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Saturday Jul 09, 2005

Jul 8, 2005
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Today I began the full unpacking. What a bitch it has been, and I didn't even fully finish!!! Ugh, I did manage to get my TV and gamecube set up though as well as my futon. Tomorrow I will go to Wal Mart to find a computer stand for my computer so I can stop using this one. I still have so much to do, finish unpacking, get my license and registration, and get a job. I'm very nervous about the job thing, cause it means dealing with a bunch of new people who I probably won't like. Ugh I don't know, I feel very down lately. I feel confused on all my choices. Is this the best? Or have I made another big mistake? One minute I feel happy about my choice, then next thing I know I'm crying to myself wondering if this is the best thing. I have no idea.

Lately I feel utterly alone. How I long for someone to lay next to at night when it is time to sleep. To feel the warmth of the one you love holding you close to wash away all your fears, insecurities, pain, and loneliness. To feel their smooth skin resting on yours, to hear the heart beat because it is so quiet because you are embracing the moment. I've really only felt that once before, meaning with one person. I can't deny that I do miss the feelings, the comfort, the security. I can't get the thought out of my head that I will never fell these things ever again. I feel as if I am not good enough for anyone. I often think I will live alone for my life, and when my day comes to die no one will be by my bed while I reach out to cling to someone with the last of my strength. The last of my strength used in vain. It's a unpleasant thought but I can't shake it off. I don't want this to happen.

I was happy with life once upon a time, but then it all went into a downward spiral. However, I now realize I wasn't fully happy because I wasn't happy with myself and that is needed to be 100% happy in life. Now I have matured and have become more happy with myself, and I even think for myself now and want to do things for me as apposed to doing everything for someone else. But now that I have grown up, I don't have the aspect in life that made me once happy in the past. Seems like I can never get it right. It's never an all, but can be a nothing. I want one thing right now...a hug. I want to feel needed, loved, wanted. At the moment I don't feel them. I feel them from the Family I live with, but that is just not enough for me. I do appreciate all they do and how much they care, but I want it in another form. Perhaps I am just asking for to much, and weather I am or not.... doesn't really matter to me cause I still want it.

That's enough of my bitching though. On an unrelated topic...I looked for kill girl kill yesterday...but no luck. I asked the women at the counter if they had it and she looked at me like I had five heads with cocks growing out of them, and said no. I was dissapointed.

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