this is going to be a long, rambling entry... but i've got no one to talk to, and i need to get shit out... i'm so fuckin confused.. i wish i wasnt such a mess.. ive got more issues than a magazine rack... 
mostly when it comes to this whole love/relationship thing... i dont seem to be capable of a normal relationship.. for a while.. i didnt want one.... i was sort of "dating" and had friends that i'd hook up with... just havin fun kinda thing.... ive been completely convinced that i didnt want to be commited to someone, i didnt want a relationship... one guy in particular, ive got a good thing going with... and even though we're just "friends with benefits" and we're allowed to do whatever with other people.... when i see girls flirting with him, or leaving these comments on his myspace or lame shit like that... it kills me.... when i see him respond, and tell them how hot theyare, and how he misses them... it really bothers me... i feel like... i'm only good enough behind closed doors... that whatever it is he feels for me, he doesnt want in the public eye... and i'm starting to thihnk, maybe i convinced myself i didt want a serious relationship, because thats what he wanted to hear.... and now i see him persuing stuff with another girl... and i just dont know what to do... i was almost in tears last night, thnking about it.... i dont want to ruin what we have... and i'm still not sure i want to be in a serious relationship... but i fear, even if i did... he's already into someone else... and i'm just for fun on the side, until he wins her over... i dont know if ths is making any sense.... its certainly not, to me..... i know i'm being greedy, and jealous... but i cant help it.... but i love the way he kisses me, and holds me when i'm sleeping... and wakes me up with his touch... but i dont think theres as much feeling behind it, on his end, as i think.. im just sooo confused... at one end... i dont want to lose what we have... on the other end... i feel like i should just let it all go now, before i get in to deep, and end up getting hurt more... someone fix it for me.... or just take me away from it all.... and make me not care.... im supposed to be the tough girl... i'm not supposed to feel this way.... i shouldnt be crying while i write this.... it shouldnt be that big of an issue... it really sucks.. cuz i was doin good, was in an awesome mood last week, actually not hating myself for once... and now all this.... it never lasts... and i cant deal with the rollercoaster anymore.....
***edited 9:10pm****
wow... i just read this entry... im really not doing so hot tonight... its killing me, being alone in this empty house, the only "shoulder to cry on" I have is this god damned lap top.. lovely... theres girls on tv getting lipo and tummy tucks..i wish i had the money to do that... its not fair... blahblahblah... this is so lame... that i'm sitting here spilling my guts to this damn journal... thats how fuckin alone i am tonight... someone needs to slap me... this is too much... ok.. no more from me tonight... im sure whoevers read this..if anyone... is like "shut up already, loser"... i'm out
mostly when it comes to this whole love/relationship thing... i dont seem to be capable of a normal relationship.. for a while.. i didnt want one.... i was sort of "dating" and had friends that i'd hook up with... just havin fun kinda thing.... ive been completely convinced that i didnt want to be commited to someone, i didnt want a relationship... one guy in particular, ive got a good thing going with... and even though we're just "friends with benefits" and we're allowed to do whatever with other people.... when i see girls flirting with him, or leaving these comments on his myspace or lame shit like that... it kills me.... when i see him respond, and tell them how hot theyare, and how he misses them... it really bothers me... i feel like... i'm only good enough behind closed doors... that whatever it is he feels for me, he doesnt want in the public eye... and i'm starting to thihnk, maybe i convinced myself i didt want a serious relationship, because thats what he wanted to hear.... and now i see him persuing stuff with another girl... and i just dont know what to do... i was almost in tears last night, thnking about it.... i dont want to ruin what we have... and i'm still not sure i want to be in a serious relationship... but i fear, even if i did... he's already into someone else... and i'm just for fun on the side, until he wins her over... i dont know if ths is making any sense.... its certainly not, to me..... i know i'm being greedy, and jealous... but i cant help it.... but i love the way he kisses me, and holds me when i'm sleeping... and wakes me up with his touch... but i dont think theres as much feeling behind it, on his end, as i think.. im just sooo confused... at one end... i dont want to lose what we have... on the other end... i feel like i should just let it all go now, before i get in to deep, and end up getting hurt more... someone fix it for me.... or just take me away from it all.... and make me not care.... im supposed to be the tough girl... i'm not supposed to feel this way.... i shouldnt be crying while i write this.... it shouldnt be that big of an issue... it really sucks.. cuz i was doin good, was in an awesome mood last week, actually not hating myself for once... and now all this.... it never lasts... and i cant deal with the rollercoaster anymore.....
***edited 9:10pm****
wow... i just read this entry... im really not doing so hot tonight... its killing me, being alone in this empty house, the only "shoulder to cry on" I have is this god damned lap top.. lovely... theres girls on tv getting lipo and tummy tucks..i wish i had the money to do that... its not fair... blahblahblah... this is so lame... that i'm sitting here spilling my guts to this damn journal... thats how fuckin alone i am tonight... someone needs to slap me... this is too much... ok.. no more from me tonight... im sure whoevers read this..if anyone... is like "shut up already, loser"... i'm out
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
filmnoir1:
I imagine we can chat it up! 
filmnoir1:
Keep the oddest hours in my profession: first place I head is the computer when getting home, no matter what the hour. Thus, I totally spend myself and have ZIP for my journal. Fair trade, I think.